Even When You Didn't
by flawsmadebeautiful
Summary: Even when you didn't love me back, I still loved you. The long seven years at Hogwarts, all of James' failed attempt to woo Lily, and all those Full Moons. James/Lily. First HP fanfic.
1. First Impressions

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter One: First Impressions**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just using J.K. Rowling's characters.

By the way, the Harry Potter 7, part 2 was awesome! I love Harry Potter, always have and I always will.

I'd like to add that Sirius and James were friends before Hogwarts in this story.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

My best friend, Sirius Black and I sat in a compartment.

Another boy approached, he was shabby, with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. He looked around for a compartment.

"Hey! You! Wanna join us?" I offered. He looked toward us, then hesitantly nodded.

"Remus Lupin," he said.

"Sirius Black and James Potter," I replied pointing to myself.

"So, first year?" Sirius asked. He nodded.

"What house do you want to go to?" I asked.

"Gryffindor."

"Same for me," I said cheerfully.

A smaller boy poked his head in, he had blonde hair and watery blue eyes. "Can I join?"

We all nodded. "Name?"

"Peter Pettigrew," he said squeakily.

"Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter," Remus said pointing to each of us in turn.

"Welcome to the group," Sirius said grinning.

"So houses, where are you going?" I asked.

"I think we all want to go to Gryffindor," Remus said. Everyone nodded except Sirius.

"What's wrong mate?" I asked.

"All my family has been in Slytherin," he admitted.

"I thought you were at least Gryffindor, I didn't know your family was Slytherin," I said aghast.

"Hah, maybe I'll break the tradition," he scoffed.

I turned as I heard a snort. A boy, our age, he had greasy black hair and shallow skin. Next to him was a girl. She was what caught my eye. She had fiery red hair, half down her back, and almond shaped emerald green eyes that shone.

"Snape," I whispered. The other three looked about.

"Hiya Snivellus," I greeted.

Black, cold stones meet my eyes. "What, Potter," he spat.

" What are you doing with a pretty girl like that? Did you have to use a spell?" Sirius sneered.

The girl glared toward us. "Come on Sev, let's find a different compartment," she said getting up.

"Ooh, see ya Snivellus," Sirius said, and I tripped him as Snape passed. He fell flat on his face. We all erupted into laughter.

"Did you see his face?" Peter shrilled. And we all dissolved into laughter again. Remus looked like he didn't know what to say.

"What's wrong Remus?" I asked, fighting laughter.

He smirked. " You like her," he said calmly.

Everyone gaped, except for Remus of course.

"What?" I asked.

"You like her, I can tell," he said and Sirius smirked.

"Jamsie is in love!" he sang. I whacked Sirius.

"Shut up, I do not!" I hissed.

"Yeah right, I saw how you were looking at her," Remus said...you know the calm, serious voice of his was starting to get on my nerves!

"I do not, she's pretty that's all!" I snapped defensively.

I know who she is," Remus said. "That was Lily Evans, she has a sister who thinks she's a freak and she's muggle-born. Her sister isn't a witch, and Petunia, Tuney her sister calls her, wrote to Dumbledore because Petunia wanted to go to Hogwarts too. But it didn't work, because she can't make magic unless she's born with it. Lily thinks that her sister might be right, but she wants to fit in," Remus said calmly, opening a book, one of our school books.

"What? How do you know that?" Sirius asked, gawking at Remus.

" You aren't very observant are you? I saw her on the platform, her sister kept calling her a freak, and Lily was crying. It obviously hurt her, and she called Petunia by a nickname...Tuney. The rest I heard when I got on. And she just wants to fit in, all muggle-borns do," Remus stated not looking up from his book.

"So you can just read people?" Sirius asked. Remus looked up, tilting his head. "Can you read me?"

" Well, from what I can tell you aren't the most rational person. I think you act like that because you feel bad about something...maybe family stuff. I noticed your family just kinda dropped you off and left. I think you feel put out, you want attention because you don't get enough of it at home. I don't know, but I think you are just insecure sometimes. Other times you are carefree and you act the same basically." Remus turned to me. "You, James, you definitely like that girl. You're rich, and you just act like this because you are popular and you want the attention. You don't need it of course, but you like it when people laugh at your jokes and stuff. Then you like being a clown, it is fun, carefree, you don't want to be bogged down by schoolwork and professors."

"What about you?" Sirius asked, looking still shocked by Remus's knowledge.

A shadow seemed to cross his face. " I'm not like you two. I'm not as outgoing. I'm more like a shadow, I don't draw attention...I run away from it. I prefer not to be noticeable. And I don't have any friends."

"How do you not have any friends?" I asked.

"People don't like to associate themselves with me," he replied smiling lightly. We didn't bother to question him. We nodded.

"Anything from the trolly?" asked a witch pushing a cart full of goodies.

"I'll have ten Pumpkin Pasties, some Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Frogs, Licorice Wands, a few of Every Flavor Beans and four bottles of iced pumpkin juice please," I said.

She handed over the lot and I paid two galleons and ten sickles.

"Thank you," I said right before she continued on.

"Go on, dig in, Sirius please don't eat all the Cauldron Cakes, I know how much you love them," I added as Remus took an iced pumpkin juice and a chocolate frog.

Peter started on some of the Every Flavor Beans. Sirius grabbed two Cauldron Cakes and I took an iced drink.

It was delicious, thirst quenching and on the warm train my throat was very dry.

Peter started choking on a gray bean, pepper. I pointed my wand at him and muttered a made-up spell. He could breathe properly after several seconds.

I was eating a toffee, when that girl arrived again.

"Who are you anyway?" she asked tossing her red hair behind her. We all looked up at her.

"I'm James Potter," I said.

" Yeah, who are your friends?" she asked cutting across me, her eyes narrowed slightly.

"Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and that's Peter Pettigrew," I replied, pointing to them each in turn.

"Oh, hello Remus," she said brightly. I blinked.

Remus was watching from the book. "Hello Lily."

"I love that book, I've tried some of the spells in there, I would suggest the Charms book. I've already tried the hover one, watch." She pulled out her wand, and waving it she said, "Wingardium Leviosa." The chocolate frog hovered and then she lowered her wand, making it plop back onto the small pile of sweets.

"It's a very good book. Transfiguration won't be until Thursday, but we have Charms on Tuesday. Well bye, James, Sirius, Peter and oh Remus! Professor Dumbledore said he needs to talk to you about err something in his office, after the feast," she said waving and then running off.

"Charms? Why did she suggest that?" I asked as Remus dug in his bag for the Charms book.

Remus only shrugged and returned to his novel.

Half an hour later, Sirius and I were discussing a prank we wanted to pull when that girl returned.

"You four better change, the Prefects are coming to make sure everyone is in their robes, we'll be arriving in less than ten minutes," she said shortly walking off.

"Why does she keep coming back?" Sirius asked pulling out his robes. I shrugged.

"She wants to be a Prefect in fifth year," Remus said as what was becoming the usual. Now I was getting used to him being like this.

" How do you know this stuff?" Peter asked.

"I'm just good at reading people, I'm born with it," Remus replied. "I guess it's just natural. I can tell, she's muggle-born and I think a lot of people don't understand her. So she tries even harder in all of her classes, so she can prove that she's not just some girl. And that she is intelligent. She's not bad looking either."

"Well we gotta go, I guess we leave our stuff," Sirius said as he got up.

"First years! First years over here!" called a man...well he was more of a giant, with a large black beard and bright eyes.

"Hello Hagrid," some of the second and third years called.

I stayed completely silent as we crossed in the boats. Of course I had heard of Hogwarts but this was incredible. I didn't know the lengths that magic could go, even coming from a Pureblood family.

"You know it is enchanted, muggles can't see it. My parents will never get to see Hogwarts, it's really too bad. I'm the only one in my whole family who can see it," Lily was telling her friend, Isabella as I heard it.

She was pretty. She turned, for a moment she met my eyes, with her own almond shaped sparkling green eyes. She sent a dazzling smile in the direction of Remus. He waved back, as cheerful as usual.

"Remus! Why would you wave?" I asked, slightly irritated.

"Ooh is Jamesie _jealous_?" Sirius teased.

I shot him a death glare. "I am not jealous. I'm just asking why you would wave at herl."

"She's nice, you should get to know her James. She's not like all the other girls, she's okay," Remus replied looking slightly interested in the castle.

"Oh look! The Whomping Willow, it was just planted," one girl said pointing to a moving tree. Remus turned away, which was odd. Why wouldn't he show interest in a moving tree, after all, I doubted he'd ever seen one before.

" What do you think of the Whomping Willow, Remus?" Sirius asked noticing the same thing.

He turned to look a the tree, grimacing. "Oh yes, I'm sure it's very interesting." Something changed in his voice, before he had been confident, and now, looking at that tree..the confidence vanished and something dark seemed to enter his eyes.

"Why don't you seem as interested?" Peter asked.

Before Remus would have to answer I interrupted. "Isn't the castle amazing?"

"It is an amazing castle, I hope we don't get lost, we might need a map," Remus said, a little over enthusiastically, but we did drop the topic he didn't seem to like.

Sirius gave me a curious glance but I flashed him a glare, warning him not to say anything.

We walked up a flight of stairs, and saw a woman waiting, dressed in green.

"Hello Hagrid, I'll take them from here."

" Hello I'm Professor McGonagall. I will be leading you through to the Great Hall, where you will be sorted into your houses. I'm head of Gryffindor, then there is Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin."

We nodded numbly.

"Do you know how we get sorted?" I whispered to Sirius.

"I dunno, I think my cousin told me we have to pass some sort of test or something," Sirius hissed back.

"When I call your name, you will get the sorting hat put on your head, and it will place you in to your house. While you are here, your House will be like your family. You triumph together, and you lose together. You can earn points for doing what is expected, any rule breaking and you will lose points, and there are detentions," McGonagall said.

I smirked, rule breaking? Hmm well who ever said I would get caught, I mean if you don't get caught, you never were to blame were you?

I turned to see Sirius smirk, and Remus whacked him. "Can't you behave?"

"Hestia Jones," and she went to Ravenclaw.

"Lily Evans," made Gryffindor.

"Severus Snape," went to Slytherin with so did "Lestrange," I don't remember the first name.

"Sirius Black," she called over the parchment. I saw him freeze up, so I pushed him forward a bit more forcefully than I should have.

The hat seemed to ponder a moment, then yelled, "GRYFFINDOR!"

I cheered silently with Gryffindor.

"Remus Lupin," McGonagall called.

Remus looked up at her, without moving. "Remus, go on," I hissed, giving him a slight nudge.

He still didn't move, I could tell something more than fear was holding him back. He turned his head to look at the Headmaster. Dumbledore nodded. This however, did not relax him at all.

"Remus what's the worst that could happen?" I asked pushing him forward.

Remus turned to give me a sharp glare, and his blue eyes flashed to a yellow. Through the yellow eyes I saw a creature rise up, it was like looking into the eyes of a bloodthirsty beast. Then the next instant it had vanished, and he was staring at me though I doubted he could really see me.

He stepped forward. The hat was placed on his head. He looked toward the Slytherin table, almost like he expected to be sent there.

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

"Remus Lupin, werewolf aren't you."

I closed my eyes. _" Yes, but I'm ashamed of it."_

"Ashamed? Why would you be ashamed?"

_" I'm a dark creature, that's what others think. I'll never have true friends."_

"You are brave, it is all in your head, you are ashamed. But once you learn not to be ashamed, you will find that true friends will stay. All those people who left when they found out about you being a werewolf, they aren't true friends. But where to put you?"

_"Anywhere."_

"GRYFFINDOR!" Where dwell the brave at heart.

I gave McGonagall the hat and raced down.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said slapping me on the back, laughing.

We watched at the rest of our year was sorted.

"Jamesie!" Sirius shouted enthusiastically as James ran down to join us at Gryffindor table.

_Maybe...maybe this will be the year I'll have true friends. Maybe these friends won't abandon me._

* * *

><p>What do you think? Good? Bad? It's my first attempt at a Harry Potter story.<p> 


	2. Werewolf

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Two: Werewolf**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just using J.K. Rowling's characters.

I'm changing the plot because I feel like it...

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

I was sitting, with Sirius because we had 20 minutes until our next class. History of Magic. Oh great. I was bored, and from the look on Sirius's face he was bored too.

"I'm bored to death," Sirius whined. " And then we have History of Magic, the most boring class ever!"

"I know, and how can anyone even pass?"

"Evans and Jerkins seem to manage it, and Remus too. I don't know how they manage to pass. For that matter and how they are immune to his bore-you-to-death voice," Sirius said. I nodded in agreement.

"Why did Remus have to see the Headmaster after the feast? He couldn't have gotten in trouble," I said, thinking of Remus who never got in trouble. "It was weeks ago, but now that I think of it..."

"I know, it does seem un-Remusish. Maybe he did get in trouble? Let's go ask," Sirius said, happy of something to do, we ran off in search of Remus and found him in the dorm engrossed in the textbook _Standard book of Spells_.

When we ran in he was reading, and raised his eyebrows expectantly."Remus! Lupin," Sirius shouted as we reached his bed.

"Sirius has to ask you something," I stated.

"What was Professor Dumbledore asking about, you know after the feast those weeks back?" Sirius half asked while he spent more time trying to catch his breath.

Remus gave him an odd look, as though he was annoyed, but not quite at Sirius. "It was nothing."

"It wasn't nothing, don't lie to me. We all know you were gone at least an hour. Maybe more, there was something important," I pointed out.

"Who is we?" he asked looking annoyed.

"_We_ as in me and Sirius, maybe Peter but he's a bit more oblivious," I replied wanting to get to the point of the conversation.

"It wasn't important," Remus replied. I narrowed my eyes.

"Does this have to do with the Whomping Willow?" I asked feigning innocence.

"What do you mean?" he asked cautiously looking slightly afraid.

"I'm just asking. You don't seem like you like the Willow, and you don't seem to take kindly to it," I explained.

"Yeah, and you don't seem like you have friends," Sirius said, and I hit him on the back of the head.

"Sirius don't say that," I hissed.

"I don't have any friends," he replied darkly. "And I don't like the Willow either."

We left it at that. I still wondered why he didn't like the Willow, what did he ever hold against a tree?

But from the glowering look he gave me, I could only guess that he was not willing to tell us.

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

I hated not telling them the truth, but could I really trust them? Would they be like all my other friends?

All the other friends they would find out and suddenly they would avoid me. We would hardly talk anymore, and then in the end they would stop talking to me all together...and then I had to start all over again.

Now I was always afraid. I never tried to become best friends with anyone, I knew it would end in tatters. And I would end up broken as always, and without any friends.

Instead I just tried to be nice to everyone, and not get to close to anyone, not even my friends in my dorm. They were nice, but that's how everyone seemed before they found out. Then they would always act like I was some sort of monster, and that was how most of the wizarding world is.

Then they run, and they hate me.

I was lucky that Professor Dumbledore had allowed me in when no other Headmaster would let me. But he was kind, he understood and he had the Willow planted so I could transform in safety away from the others. Then I would go into the Shrieking Shack, where I would be unable to escape unless I figured out how to get out.

* * *

><p><strong>James POV<strong>

I was determined to find out.

Every few weeks, he would leave for a whole day, looking usually sickly before and then turn up the next day looking tired.

_"Hey Remus, want to come pull a prank on Snivellus with us? Around eight tonight?" Sirius offered._

_"No, I have to go visit my mom, she's got a sickness, I'll be back tomorrow."_

_Next morning..._

_"Hey Remus, I thought you would be back later, not at six in the morning," I mumbled as Remus walked in._

_"Oh...umm I stayed up all night with her, and then I just got here by Floo powder ."_

_"Funny, you aren't covered in soot and ashes," I commented, motioning to his tattered cloak. _

_"Oh I just used magic to get it all off," Remus replied easily. "Want to go down to breakfast?"_

_"Sure I'll come with you, just give me five minutes," I said as I scrambled up, pulling on school robes._

_"Peter get up! Sirius you can't sleep until noon or you'll miss breakfast." Remus scolded pulling the covers off of Sirius and spraying him with a steady stream of water. Sirius woke with a yelp that most likely woke half the Gryffindors in the tower and then threw something at Remus._

* * *

><p><em>"Remus where are you going?" I asked.<em>

_"Hello Madame Pomfrey...umm Remus where are you going?" Sirius asked._

_"Umm Hospital Wing, I don't feel well see you guys later," he replied, avoiding my eyes and looking down. _

_"Feel better soon!" Peter called as Remus disappeared._

_Visiting the Hospital Wing an Hour later..._

_"We're here to visit Remus," I said._

_"He's not here," Madame Pomfrey replied looking confused._

_" But you took him about an hour ago, he said he was going to the Hospital Wing," Sirius said looking rather confused himself. _

_"He's here, but he's not seeing anyone," she replied. "He's not wanting anyone here."_

_"We want to see Remus," I insisted. _

_"I will call the Headmaster," she replied angrily. I sighed and exchanged a look with Sirius. _

_When he came back later the next morning..._

_" Remus where were you?" Peter asked._

_" I was sick," he replied looking pale and exhausted._

_" But you weren't in the Hospital Wing when we went to see you," Sirius said._

_He froze. There was a clatter as his spoon hit the floor. "You wanted to see me?"_

_"Yeah, you are our best friend, we care you know," I said._

_He blinked. "Well I wasn't there, I went home for a bit." He continued helping himself to toast, spreading jam on a piece and quickly shoving it in his mouth. _

* * *

><p><em>"We gotta find out what's wrong with Remus. Maybe it's some kind of virus that comes back all the time and we can try to cure him." <em>

_"Oh come on James, we're Second Years. I doubt Remus has anything too horrible. They wouldn't risk that at a school," Sirius said, shaking his head. _

_"I dunno. Seems like something Dumbledore would do," Peter pointed out. _

_"Come on, let's get started," I handed Sirius a book about Potions and Illnesses. He scowled at it for a moment before opening the book. _

_"Right, Pete, you take this one," I tossed him a book on Magical Diseases before propping open my own copy of Dark Creatures even though it was unlikely that that book would yield anything._

* * *

><p><em>Then we found out. It was only after being best friends for two years.<em>

_It was the full moon in April._

_I was looking for the Invisibility cloak-another prank on Snivellus and his pals._

_It wasn't in my trunk so I went to Sirius's. Then to Remus's. I was just searching under the bed when I found a piece of smooth, shiny parchment. A calendar._

_It was turned to April. And on today it said "Going to mum's for a cousin er, my cousin is having problems..."_

_Funny, that's what he had said...a few hours ago before he left._

_How would he know that he had to leave before it happened? Was this all planned?_

_Then I noticed the little moon in the corner of the day, it was the full moon. I drummed my fingers lightly on the page, flipping through to look at when the half moon would be. _

_"He reminds me of the boy who cried wolf," Sirius said thoughtfully. _

_"What?" I asked, slightly distracted. _

_"It's a muggle saying apparently," Sirius said with a shrug. _

_"A wolf," I repeated slowly as the gears in my head began turning. _

_Full moon? Planned leaving? What was this?_

_Then it hit me._

_How Remus reacted when we talked about the Whomping Willow._

_When we talked about werewolves he never said a bad thing about them._

_How he always looked pale._

_Why he always vanished...I flipped through the calendar. January, February, March...April. _

_He was a werewolf._

_"He's a...werewolf." My statement was broken, shocked, empty and emotionless. _

_"He's a what?"_

_"Oh honestly mate, you heard me. Remus is a werewolf," I replied._

_For a moment, Sirius's mouth gaped open. Then I could see it click in his head too. Slowly he worked his jaw open again and spoke in a harsh whisper. __"Should we tell him we know?"_

_" I reckon so...and Peter should know too." I sighed. This wasn't going to be easy._

_" Hey Sirius, and James, whatcha talking about?" Peter asked, stretching as he walked into the dorm, carrying his chess board and pieces. Perfect chance._

_"Remus. He's a werewolf." Sirius didn't have to be so straight out. Peter dropped his chess board and knights, pawns and bishops fell to the floor with a clatter. His mouth worked furiously but no sound came out. _

_"What are we going to do?" Peter asked once he found his voice._

_"Tell him we know. Then we are going to try to help," I said calmly. The two looked at me as though I was crazy. _

_"Are you insane? He's a werewolf, James. They kill people. They make us like them. They're inhumane and-"_

_"And they're still people," I told him, staring him down. Daring him to challenge what I'd said. Slowly his shoulders relaxed and he took a slow step backwards. _

_Will he react badly?_

_"Remus can we talk to you?" I asked as he was finishing a Transfiguration essay and sitting on his bed with a textbook._

_He shrugged. "Sure, about what?" He scribbled a couple more lines, not really paying attention. _

_"Werewolves," I replied as casually as I could manage. He froze, looking up from his essay._

_"Why werewolves?" he asked slowly, pausing in his writing. _

_"Because McGonagall mentioned them. She was talking about Animagus and Werewolves, you know how Animagus can transform into animals. How a werewolf can't control their transformations," I was choosing my words carefully._

_"And what about werewolves?" he asked, looking puzzled though he'd set his quill down. _

_"What do you think of them?" Sirius asked, leaning against the doorframe. _

_Remus looked between us. He chewed his lip, looking down at his essay. "You know don't you."_

_"How do you know that we know?" I asked._

_He set his quill down. "It's obvious. You two have been avoiding me all day. I guess I'll leave now," he replied screwing the cap on his ink bottle and putting his quill away._

_"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion, getting up from where I was sitting._

_"You don't want to be around a person like me. I get it okay? I know you don't want to know someone like me," he said standing up and shoving his transfiguration book and essay in his bag._

_"You have it all wrong. We don't want you to go. We don't have a problem with you being a werewolf," I said which made him freeze where he was. After a moment, he turned slowly to face me. _

_"How is it not problem? I'm used to being rejected and shunned because of what I am. Why would you guys be any different?" he asked in a low voice. A challenge, I realized. I saw that shadowed, guarded look enter his eyes. _

_"Remus, we don't care. You're still our best friend. Nothing has changed, but now will you tell us why you hate the Whomping Willow?" Sirius interrupted._

_"So, you're okay with it?" Remus asked shock and almost a calmness in his voice. He sounded so doubtful, so vulnerable and his eyes stared at me, pleading for me not to be joking. _

_"Of course, now tell us," I insisted, settling myself on his trunk to listen to his story. He hesitated, looked at first Sirius and then me before beginning his story. _

_"Well it was this one night..."_


	3. Fancy Lily Evans?

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Three: Fancy Lily Evans?**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

_"Well...I was bitten when I was younger." Remus sighed, looking slightly hesitant," I was about five, and it was Greyback, my father made him mad. So Greyback cursed me, to get back at my father, and it was because I was young. He says that it is good to bite them young, and make them grow up away from society and make them hate wizards."_

_"But you don't hate wizards, you are a wizard, and a brilliant one at that," I pointed out._

_He smiled lightly. " know. But that's his goal."_

_"Talk about a need of motivation," Sirius said, though I could see the worry in his eyes. _

* * *

><p>"REMUS!" Sirius shouted as we both ran from the library. Yes, the library. We actually found where the thing was.<p>

When I had first told Sirius where we were going, his reaction was, "We have a library?"

So that shows how much _he_ knows. Especially since that's where we'd found the book on werewolves last time.

"Remus! We've figured it out," I yelled as we banged the door open to our dorm.

"Figured what out?" he asked not looking up from the Transfiguration chapter we were supposed to finish for homework.

"How we can help you with your furry little problem." Sirius rolled his eyes as though it was simple.

"And how is that?" Remus asked in a bored voice. That meant that he was just humoring us so we would finish, then he could get back to his oh so interesting chapter.

"We can become Animagus," I said. Remus looked up, looking at us like we were crazy.

I turned to Peter who was munching on a few chips.

"Come on, it can't be so hard. Besides, we read up on them," Sirius said.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure you could become an Animagus. You are both very skilled in magic, I saw you hex Amos the other day for talking with Lily. He was in the hospital for a week." We stared at him. How could he know he was busy fixing his bag. Which, we had ripped so he wouldn't see. "I know you two ripped my bag, and I also know that you hexed him. Why? I still had eyes. I saw the results, plus I do have ears. I heard Lily screaming at you two for at least five minutes after she took him the hospital."

I hate when he can do that.

"So we can be an Animagus?" Peter asked.

"No," Remus said simply, turning back to his book.

"Why not?" Sirius whined.

"One, it is dangerous. Two, you can't. You have to be of age, according to the Ministry. And they watch those attempting it, so when you get it they register you. People can get fined if it goes wrong, or if they are unregistered." Remus as usual, sounded like he had swallowed a textbook.

"So? What's with you and being a good child. Can't we break the rules now and then?" I asked annoyed at his following the rules ways.

"No, this is serious. It's not like trapping Ms. Norris in a suit of armor, which yes, I know you did that because that happened to be one that could move, I happened to be reading and Sirius came running past me, screaming that a suit of armor was about to murder him. Not even three seconds later, a suit of armor ran past me yelling about a 'darn cat' and "When I catch you.."' And James, it isn't like you trying to get Lily Evans. It is perfectly legal to oh...say...Charm her quills to turn into roses. To give her a dozen roses, and another dozen lilies of every color you could think of. It definitely isn't like charming a card to sing how much you love her. Yes James, I know you like her," Remus looked deadly serious but a slow smirk crossed his lips.

How I hated him.

How did he know all that?

It was all secret! Well not about Sirius but how would he know I liked Lily?

Sirius gaped. Peter burst into a fit of hysterical extremely girly giggles. So much for him being manly. Sirius finally got over his shock and dissolved into bouts of laughter and he couldn't even choke out a coherent word.

Remus continued to look at the book, then finally bookmarked it and set it down. He was still smiling, in that weird and annoying way of his.

"How do you know that?" I asked finally.

"I was with her in Charms, and she tried to write notes, and her quill turned into a rose. Judging by how she glared at you, she knew it was you. Then I heard her start shrieking at you when you gave her all the flowers, but I think Sirius must've thought it was a joke. Then on her birthday, I specifically remember her telling me how you ruined her birthday with a singing card," Remus was still smiling.

Sirius was struggling to breathe because he was laughing so hard.

Next to Remus, was Peter who was clutching his sides from laughing so hard and was struggling to stay standing.

I heard a thump and turned to see Sirius had stopped clinging to the wall, and was now on the floor. To make me feel worse, he was banging his fists on the floor. I sighed.

"Thanks Remus," I said sarcasm lacing my words.

"James, you actually thought I wouldn't know that? Honestly, you have almost no faith in my abilities," Remus said shaking his head. I thought I could detect a laugh.

"That didn't mean you would find out I liked her," I snapped.

"James-I-I-think-" Sirius broke into laughter. "Sorry. But you like Evans?"

I knew I was turning red. From anger or embarrassment, well I hadn't established that yet.

"Yes, I thought that was clear enough," I said glaring daggers at Remus. He had enough tact to not laugh, and to turn back to his book.

"I still think we should be Animagus." I said trying desperately to change the subject.

" Oh don't change the subject now James, this is funny. What else does he do Remus?" Sirius asked. I did not like the glimmer in his eyes.

Remus seemed not to notice me mouthing "NO" in his direction.

"Well he chases after her yelling ' Evans go out with me?' and she just shouts ' No' and runs." I banged my head with Remus's Transfiguration book.

" What else?" Peter asked eagerly. I gaped at him. How could they do this?

"You don't know what happened last week," Remus began, but I covered his mouth with my hand.

"Shut it already! Enough about me," I snapped, holding my wand up.

Remus nodded fearful or laughing I didn't know or care.

"Well I know Sirius likes that pretty Slytherin," Remus said when he took my hand away from his mouth.

I gaped. What? When did this happen?

Sirius wasn't expecting that, because in mid-laugh he froze, eyes wide.

Peter screamed with laughter. I couldn't help but laugh at the horror on Sirius's face.

"I do not like her," Sirius sputtered.

"Sure, that's why you tried to drag her into a broom closet for an hour," Remus replied in a bored voice. This voice was different than his get-on-with-it bored voice. This was his voice that meant he was enjoying being able to say things, and that he was enjoying making Sirius sputter.

" ou what?" I asked before I laughed even harder.

Sirius gave me an extremely sour look.

That sour look did it. All three of us burst into ever harder, more choking laughter.

"You liked a Slytherin?" I gasped out.

Sirius gave me a glowering look. " I did not."

" At least I'm not gaga for Lily Evans," Sirius snapped. Peter and Remus were now having trouble breathing properly. Choking so badly while they were laughing...served them right.

"I fancy her, just like you fancy that one girl, isn't her name Thalia?" I asked in mock thoughtfulness.

"She's smart, pretty and Evans's friend," Sirius pointed out.

" So? Lily is smart, and she's pretty too," I replied.

"I told you," Remus pointed out.

I sent Remus a death glare.

"Yes, I fancy Lily Evans, so what?" I asked.

Nobody answered.


	4. Syrup and Pancakes

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Four: Syrup and Pancakes**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

I turned off that annoy-you-to-death alarm clock. That ring was enough to drive anyone insane.

Sirius gave a snore. Remus was already up, getting dressed. I looked over at Peter who was on the floor.

I sighed. Honestly, those two.

I grabbed a Chocolate frog and aiming carefully, I chucked it at Sirius.

" What!" he yelled leaping up, his wand raised. But being Sirius, he tangled his foot in the blankets, and fell over backwards (it takes special skill) and fell right on top of a sleeping Peter.

I managed to pass off my laugh as a violent coughing fit.

Peter awoke with what I had to assume was a start. All I heard from under Sirius, who looked like an overturned turtle, as he struggled to get up, was an indistinguishable noise.

"Get your fat butt off me!"Peter screamed as he managed to take in a breath.

Sirius rolled off Peter, without even saying sorry.

Peter sat up, shaking his head.

"Why am I on the floor? Did Sirius tackle me?" I asked rubbing his eyes.

I shook my head. "Nah. You actually fell on the floor in your sleep. Then Sirius got up and fell over on top of you, and you woke up."

"Brilliant. Just bloody brilliant," Peter said picking himself up off the floor.

"Well you guys are going to be late," I said pulling on my robes.

"Hurry up, I don't want to miss breakfast," Peter whined at Sirius who was already in the bathroom.

Remus sat down on his bed, looking bored even as he picked up a few textbooks scattered around his bed.

"Hold your hippogriffs," Sirius muttered as he walked out.

We walked to breakfast, only stopping once because Sirius had to spend at least a minute flirting with some blonde girl.

"Who was she?" I asked.

" I don't know. I think some girl from Ravenclaw," Sirius replied walking back.

Remus rolled his eyes. Peter was busily trying to not trip on the stairs.

"I thought you were with that Slytherin girl," Peter said, losing what little concentration he had and missing a stair. We all watched as he tumbled down five stairs to the bottom. None of us bothered to help him up, as he was already scrambling up.

"Sirius look, I think today they have french toast," Remus commented sniffing the air.

Indeed it did smell like a french toast day.

With that Sirius sprinted away.

"Let's hope he leaves some for us," Peter said racing after him.

I was left with Remus.

We walked in and passed Lily Evans.

"Hey Evans!" I shouted.

The whole hall fell silent.

She whirled around, her green eyes shot me a piercing glare. "What Potter?"

Why aren't you happy to see me?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes. " You are an arrogant jerk, why would I be happy to see you?"

I shrugged. "Go out with me?"

She didn't even both answering and instead got up, her bowl of cereal in her hands.

You won't believe how much I do for that girl.

She dumped her cereal on me. Yes, Lily Evans...just poured cereal down my robes. She smirked and returned to her seat.

I turned to Remus, milk running down my face. Lily and her friends had burst into laughter.

"Is that a yes?" I asked.

Lily stopped glaring long enough to look for the pitcher of syrup.

Isabella jumped up, and pulled Lily back. Lily shot her friend a glare and then threw the pitcher at me.

I let out a yelp at the searing syrup. I heard another cry of pain to my right. It was Remus, I had gotten the full blow, but Remus still had some on him as well.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry Remus! I didn't mean to!" Lily cried leaping up, pulling her wand out. I took several cautionary steps backwards, away from Lily Evans and her wand.

"Evanesco!" she said pointing her wand at Remus. This resulted in nothing except he gave a whimper. She looked puzzled and hurt for an instant. "Scourgify!"

The syrup vanished. "Sorry Remus," she said rushing forward, smoothening out his hair and checking his robes for any other traces of syrup.

"It's fine, come on James," he said pulling me away before I embarrassed myself any more.

* * *

><p>"Scourgify," Remus said flicking his wand like Lily had.<p>

The cereal and syrup vanished. "That was rather mean of her," I muttered.

"Look at Snape," Peter said pointing to the Slytherin table.

Snape did look furious, throwing me a burning glare before he looked back at Lily. He got up and walked over, pulling his wand out as he walked.

Sirius and I drew our wands as well. Remus calmly buttered his toast.

"What do you want Snivellus?" Sirius sneered, his eyes burning with just as much hatred.

Snape's lips twisted into a leer. "Stay away from her, Potter. If you know what's good for you."

I rolled my eyes. "Why would you care?"

"Sev, stop it. He's not worth it," Lily said pulling him back.

"That jerk just asked you out."

" I know Sev, but cursing him will only end you up with a detention. He asks me almost every day, I already made my point. Come on," Lily said calmly, tugging on the arm of his robes. He looked reluctantly at her and then stepped back.

"Fine, Potter, you're lucky that she was here to protect you," Snape snarled.

I glared at him. "I could take you any day."

"Sev!"Lily was glaring slightly. "Tonight? 'Round eight, I'll be there for potions, okay?" she said giving him a smile before running back to Isabella.

"How do you know her?" Sirius asked.

Remus looked up. That was bad. He obviously knew.

Sirius read the message and snapped "Get out of here Snivellus."

We glared at his retreating back before whirling on Remus.

"So what is it this time?" Sirius asked.

"He's her best friend. I remember, from being sorted and when you saw her for the first time on the train. Remember when she got sorted? Well Severus got sorted into Slytherin. She was sad, she wanted to be in the same house. Plus, on the train she was with him, because they've probably been friends for quite a while. I'd say he was the one who told her she was a witch," he replied looking up as the post owls flew in.

"How would you know that?" Peter asked.

"She told me. I'm also guessing, it's just the way she acts. She obviously is his friend, but I have a feeling she has a sort of respect for him. He must have done something, which at our age I would say he told her. She also is a muggle-born and so someone had to have told her sometime. It would have been new, and something amazing to her. So I think he also probably explained to her about being magical," Remus replied taking a bite of toast. He always looked too calm.

"Look the Daily Prophet," Peter said taking the post from a tawny brown owl and giving the owl three knuts.

"Mhm, hey Remus can you pass me some of those fluffy things," Sirius asked pointing. I looked at his plate. He already had waffles, french toast and crepes. What else was there?

Remus raised an eyebrow. "You mean pancakes?" he asked wearily.

"Yeah, those things."

Remus chuckled and handed over the dish of pancakes.


	5. Pranks and Jealousy

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Five: Pranks and Jealousy**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just using J.K. Rowling's characters.

For Periwinkle Dwarves, because she requested I put Severus and Lily in the story. I hope it lives up to expectations.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>-l-Lily-l-

"Hey Sev," I said putting down my potions book, and pulling my favorite quill, an eagle feather, and my ink bottle out of my bag, then pulling out parchment.

"Lily. So what did Slughorn assign again?" Severus asked sitting down next to me.

I ignored the question and wrote _Properties of Moonstone_ across the top of my essay. He nodded.

Flipping open my potions book I began to look for the ingredients.

"Moonstone," I said turning to the correct page.

He glanced over. "They're whiten in color. In potions they are usually pounded into a soft powder."

I nodded and started to write. Even if I wasn't writing what he was saying.

"So you like Potter?" he asked.

I turned and pushed him off the chair. "Sev! You evil little sneak!"

He just laughed, picking himself up off the floor. "Geez Lily."

"And for your information I do not like James Potter," I snapped picking up my quill and adding a few lines to my essay.

" Well I was just asking," Sev muttered.

"You wanted to know. Don't even act like you didn't know though. You saw me pour cereal down his robes, and then throw the syrup at him. I definitely do not like Potter. I don't fancy anyone if you wanted to know. I'm only eleven anyway," I said rolling my eyes and reading down the page.

"You don't like anyone?" Severus asked.

I turned my emerald green eyes to him. " No, why?"

"I was just wondering," he replied pulling out his transfiguration homework.

"No you weren't. You wanted to know for a reason. Out with it," I ordered.

He sighed. "I hate it when you make me do this."

"Just tell me. I tell you everything," I pointed out.

He wrote down the title of his essay, and looked hesitant.

"I like you. I fancy you."

I hadn't expected that. I don't know what I had thought he would say, but it wasn't that.

"How long?" I asked.

"Since I met you."

I chewed my lip. We met when we were six. So he had liked me for five years and never told me?

"Since we were six? You've always known that you liked me?" I asked.

He had dropped his eyes to his parchment. "Not always. I've known since we were eight, but I never said anything because I thought it might be a crush. Not anything real."

What did this mean to our friendship? So was he actually confessing?

"Oh." I stared at the parchment, then my potions book. I looked across the room to see Potter and Remus. Potter was looking about to snap something in half.

"I just told you I like you and all you say is oh?" Severus asked.

I shrugged. " Well I wasn't exactly expecting it. I don't know what to say!" I said defensively.

He nodded. "You just want to be best friends don't you."

"I'm not sure. I'll tell you when I figure it out," I replied. "Now help me on properties of moonstone, will you?"

He laughed with less enthusiasm than normal and leaned over, reading my essay so far. " It's good but you should add a few potions it's used in. Maybe add some of the poisons it can make when it reacts with other ingredients."

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

I hated him.

Severus Snape. Snivellus.

I hated that he could talk to her without getting cursed.

Without her pouring her breakfast down your robes. And without ending up with scorching syrup in your hair.

He was sitting there, next to her, talking with her about potions.

I was supposed to be doing my own potions essay, but how was I supposed to concentrate with them right there. Okay, they were halfway across the library but still.

"James, I think you've added enough ink to your quill," Remus said looking up from his essay.

I jumped, turning to see my quill that I kept dipping in ink. "Oh. Right."

I turned back to glaring at them.

"James, you have to put the title on."

I dipped my quill in ink once more and put it to the parchment. " Err, what's the title again?"

"Properties of Moonstone," Remus replied halfway done with his own essay.

"Right," I said looking up at those two, to see Lily push Snape off the chair and to see him laugh at her. All the while she was smiling.

I dotted the i so fiercely Remus looked rather worried. "Erm James, I think you might want to stop looking at them."

"What? I'm not, I'm trying to do my essay but they keep distracting me," I said furiously putting a line under the title.

"They are on the other side of the library. Seriously James, mate I think you need to stop. They aren't doing anything," Remus said.

"They are laughing. She's laughing at what he said," I snapped turning the page in my potions book so hard I nearly tore it.

Remus grabbed my wrist. "Stop it." He put my quill, parchment and book back in my bag. He put his stuff back in his bag and marched me out of the library.

When we were outside the doors he finally spoke again.

"Get a grip, honestly I was afraid you were going to kill him," Remus said.

"I wasn't far away from thinking very seriously about doing just that," I muttered darkly.

Remus glared. It was rare that he ever glared at anyone. Usually it was because of a prank we were gonna pull, and he would forgive us later. But now he wasn't going to get over it.

"Seriously James. You've got it bad. You're jealous."

"We're pulling a prank, tonight," I announced marching into our dorm.

Sirius was playing with his hair, and Peter was doodling.

"Great! Finally something to do!" Sirius said leaping off the bed.

"On who?" Remus asked.

" Snivellus and the rest of the Slytherins," I said.

We sat down to plot. It was perfect.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I went down to breakfast as usual. Isabella looked at me.

"I think the Marauders pulled some prank on Snape last night. That's what the rumors say. I don't know. They say it was bad." I bit my lip hoping she was wrong.

Potter greeted me with the usual "Go out with me?" to which I almost threw something at them.

I noticed the Slytherin table was nearly empty. I bit my lip so hard I was afraid it might bleed.

Then they all walked in through the Entrance Hall. I gaped.

Every single one of them was cursed by a different curse.

A few I could recognize like jelly-legs, bat-bogey hex and half body-bind. Then there were more complex ones I didn't know like, one boy came in with massive boils. Another had orange hair, with spikes and it became apparent at once he could not change it back or wash the spikes away. Then a few came in dragging others, one was carried in a bucket. Yes, a bucket.

He had been reduced to a puddle.

One looked like he had been giving a sleeping draught.

A few looked poisoned.

One girl was puking up slugs, while her brother was puking up blood.

I turned to look around

Gryffindors were laughing, Ravenclaws were roaring, and Hufflepuffs were cheering.

I looked as Severus came in, his hair was a bleach blonde. He was one of the lucky ones. At least I thought he was. Until I saw him limping, obviously something had caused him injury.

The Marauders.

I whirled around.

Three were laughing with the rest of the Gryffindors. Peter was choking on his pumpkin juice. Remus alone looked furious at them.

"What did you do to them?" I heard him yelling as I approached.

I pulled out my wand.

"What did you do James Potter?" I snarled pointing my wand at his neck.

He laughed. "Nothing, they look better this way don't you think?"

I pointed my wand at him, glaring. "I know you were just jealous, and you better not have hurt Severus."

"You mean your precious boyfriend?" he asked.

I pulled my wand away. "Rather him than you."

I saw his eyes flash with hate in Severus's direction.


	6. David or was it Daniel?

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Six: David or was it Daniel?**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

So moving on to around Fourth year...

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

Third Year. Well he did grow, taller but not more mature. In fact he got more like a child. So instead of even bothering to embarrass him (which I did half the year and then ignored him) by..let me list a few. Pouring that cereal and syrup on him, throwing chocolates, pumpkins, enchanting icicles to chase him, I think I threw my butterbeer at him once, and then another time I told him I would beat him with his broom, then another I threw a book at him and throwing the flowers he gave me, I just decided to ignore him.

This actually worked all last year, and then in third year I started dating Daniel Thomas. That kind of kept James at bay for a while. Then there was Fourth Year. It was okay, well tolerable. Despite the glares Potter sent me, Severus and Daniel. That was until his patience broke and all that he kept bottled up let loose. You may as well have opened the gates of hell.

Until I was walking down a corridor one day and heard a fight. I ran toward it to find James, cursing Daniel so hard I'm sure Daniel wouldn't ever come within a twelve foot radius again.

James looked furious. To admit it, he almost looked cute. But he was beyond angry.

Sirius was trying to pull him back, I turned to Remus who gave me a helpless look. 'Run' Peter mouthed desperately trying to keep me back, looking scared of James for the first time.

I ran forward anyway. I would probably regret it, but I whipped out my wand. Isabelle seemed shocked, too shocked to do anything but stare.

"Stop it," I shouted.

James-wait did I just call him James? I thought he was Potter? Anyway-he threw himself out of Sirius and Remus's grip. Forgetting that he was in a corridor packed with people watching, and that he was in fact a wizard with a wand, he ran toward Daniel. Or was it David? That didn't really matter, but he hit Dave-err-David- I mean Daniel.

Then it was common muggle-dueling, with Sirius and Remus fighting James, who had already given Dave a black eye and cut lip. Peter tried to get in a few times to stop James but only received a good kick, and Sirius finally snapped, "Get back!" at Peter who scrambled to obey.

"Expelliarmis, I mean Expelliarmus!" Danny shouted getting up. Oh wait-I meant David-err Daniel. Daniel had gotten a cut lip and blue eye. I mean black. Man, I'm losing my marbles. First I call Potter James, and then I can't even remember who got what injury.

Anyway, Isabella finally came to her senses and stunned him with a fantastic aim that I hadn't quite expected.

"Why did he do that?" I asked.

Remus ans Sirius were pulling him up, while Peter hung back. Remus was knocked down by James but Sirius seemed to be much more capable of handling James.

"What are you looking at?" Sirius snarled at the forming crowd which instantly bolted.

Remus picked himself up, brushing off his robes and looking weary.

"He was jealous Lily," Remus said handing James to Sirius and Peter.

"Jealous?" I asked dumbly.

He nodded. "Don't you see Lily? He likes you. He didn't like seeing you with Daniel. He couldn't take it, he just snapped."

"I don't think Danny will ever talk to me anymore," I said kicking the floor.

"Danny?"

"My was-boyfriend," I replied simply.

"Umm Lily, your boyfriend's name is Daniel."

"Oh right. David-Danny-Dave I mean Daniel," I stuttered turning pink.

"You don't even know his name?" Remus asked.

I smacked him lightly. "Well sorry. I was a bit distracted."

"Distracted enough to forget your boyfriend?" He joked. "Anyway, who will you go to the Fourth Year ball with now?"

"I'll find someone," I muttered half to myself and walking away.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

"Hey Sirius, what happened?" I asked blinking my eyes open.

"Well, you snapped. You went all ridged and we thought you were having an siezure or something. Then you went over and hit Daniel. We thought you were about to lose it the way you were screaming and yelling, half were probably curses and the others were just words. But you didn't actually curse him. You just tried to punch the guts out of the poor guy," Sirius explained picking up a Chocolate Frog.

"I did?" I asked. All I remembered was seeing him, and I told myself it was bad news. Then I felt my rage bubbling, a beast snarling in my throat. Then it snapped, the locks were broken, all of my restraints were gone, I wasn't just an outsider. I was going to fight for her.

When I snapped, it all passed in a blur, all I knew was my hand hurt, and I ended up thrown back, my head hurting.

"Who stopped me?" I asked.

Sirius bit the head off his frog and tossed me one. I caught it and began to open it.

He swallowed his chunk of frog. "Isabella, she stunned you, a fantastic curse and it was really good that she's got aim. You flew back, and we caught you before you bashed your head too badly. Then we took you here and Remus went to talk to Lily. She wasn't very happy."

I furiously started to tear off the frog's limbs.

"Potter?" I looked up to see Lily walking up, Remus only a few feet behind.

"Yeah Evans?"

"Do you have any idea-" she broke off, looking at the bed next to me. I turned to see Daniel, collapsed with a black eyes, cut lip and a couple of good bruises.

"I'm sorry, anyway. Don't beat David up anymore. He's not my boyfriend anymore. Even though I doubt that after that he will ever come within a twelve foot radius of me," she said looking at him pityingly.

"His name is Daniel," Sirius pointed out.

"Whatever Black, you get my point, and you throw good punches Potter. Not bad. Anyway, I've got to get to class. Come on Remus," she said leaving, with Remus a step behind her.

"Was that a compliment?" I asked in confusion as she left.

Sirius shrugged.

"Hand me that transfiguration book will you?" I asked pointing to my bag.

Sirius dug through it and held up _Animagus Transformations_ up. I nodded and he threw it to me.

I opened it to a page.

"What do you wanna be?" I asked.

"Dog, black one too. Like the omen, the Grim. You know, Omen of Death. I want to be scary," he said immediately.

I let out a huff of laughter. "You should be a dog permanently, maybe you would behave better."

He scowled. "At least I'm not going to be a prancing deer."

I shot him a furious glare. Then I pushed him over.

He fell, crashing into a metal table of instruments, and went everything smashed and clanged at it hit the floor.

"Ow, geez Prongs, that was uncalled for," he muttered.

" Sorry Blackie," I said.

He shook his head. "I don't like the name. Change it."

I thought for a moment. "Padfoot."

"I have an idea, we'll talk about it and come up with a name. Meet us in the dorm later," Sirius said and scampered as I heard Madame Pomfrey running out to see who had knocked over her table of instruments.


	7. Sectumsempra

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Seven: Sectumsempra**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Fourth Year or flashbacks.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I blinked.

Was that a howler? When did I ever get a-oh no. POTTER!

He. Was. Dead. When. I. Found. Him.

Isabella gave me a helpless glance, as it began to shriek...basically it rambled and asked me out.

The nerve of that boy.

I turned, shooting him a warning glare.

Isabella looked at me, as I sat there, acting like I couldn't hear the thing that was about to break my eardrums.

I was thinking hard. Bat-bogey. Nah. Too predictable. Jelly Legs? No. Definitely not. What about a Prince curse? Yes, I knew who the Half-Blood Prince was. He was the one who had a crush on me, the one who I actually kinda liked.

I stood up, and walked right past Potter, head held high, like I still couldn't hear the howling letter shrieking.

I walked over to the front doors, and gave the Slytherin table a meaningful glance, searching for the one person.

Severus. He still had blonde hair. That one poor kid was still in a bucket.

He gave a slight nod, very unnoticeable by anyone else.

I whipped around and stormed away, Isabella probably a few feet back. I turned and gaped.

She wasn't there.

Instead she was shrieking at Potter, who looked entirely stunned.

I had never seen her lose it like this.

"Isabella!"' I shouted.

She turned to give me a glare before she marched away. I turned to Remus, but he shook his head so I ran after Isabella.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

I hadn't ever seen Isabella yell like that.

She had always been the collected one. The one who never said a word.

Not the one who shrieked at me, and then went away, still raging.

I hung my head, the howler had already torn itself to pieces.

James?" Sirius asked after a long moment.

"Forget it. Isabelle is right, Evans will never care," I said getting up, and walking away.

I felt as though the whole hall watch me leave, defeated.

Lily Evans would never be mine.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I was looking up pranking curses, one of my own that I had gotten this year, so that I could use it against Potter. Exactly for times like these.

"Hey Lily," Severus said sitting down.

He was holding his potions book.

"What spell should we use this time?" I asked.

"I have a new one, it was invented by me. It would probably be better not to say it aloud. I'll cast it. It's sectumsempra."

"Erm, Sev what does it do?" I asked.

He looked confused. "I'm not sure. I tried it on wood, it just scratches I think."

"Oh. Alright, does it have a counter curse?" I asked, not wanting any permanent damage.

" Vulnera Sanentur" he replied.

"Okay, tomorrow, I'll see you in Transfiguration, and Sev?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't kill him, please," I said turning, taking my book with me. Still wondering if I should ask Amos to the ball, or if maybe Sev would go with me. Just as friends.

**Part Two: Vulnera Sanentur**

I was busy changing my teacup into a rat, and was unsuccessful. To make me feel worse, Saint Potter had to come over.

I was shocked at the loss of sparkle in his eyes. Usually they always shone, with mischief.

I had learned long ago his weakness. His beautiful hazel eyes, the greenish blue and brown that sparkled with amber and gold flecks. The only way to discover his secrets, his life and to see right into the heart and soul of James Potter. His actions, words and the way he looked. His eyes showed his true emotions.

"Need help Lily?" he asked.

I looked up, started that he actually called me my first name. "No."

I waved my wand again, muttering the incantation. My rat still remained a rat.

Potter sighed.

I flashed him a glare, and saw the amusement that glittered in those eyes. "I can do it."

"You're not doing it right," he said simply, watching me struggle.

"Fine, you do it if you're so clever," I snarled in frustration.

"Alright," he said, taking his wand, he waved it and muttered the spell. Then smirked when my rat turned into a teacup.

"It's your wand, my wand isn't the same. Mine is better for charms," I snapped bitterly. He sighed, took my wand and with a wave it turned back into a rat.

I bit my lip. I knew what was going to happen after class. "Fine, help me."

He laughed, gave me my wand and proceeded to show me exactly how to change it into a rat and then teacup.

"Thanks, and I'm really sorry James," I said apologizing.

"No problem," he replied.

"No, James. I'm really sorry. I can understand if you won't ever forgive me, I don't know what happens," I whispered.

He gave me a funny look.

"I'll forgive you, whatever it is," he said.

I nodded, and didn't explain that I didn't know what I was being sorry for.

"Class dismissed," McGonagall called.

I slowly put my stuff away, and saw Severus appear. I ran to tell him no, that the plan was off.

I saw James still with his stuff.

I motioned to Severus that it was off. But he only nodded and pointed his wand at James.

I watched in horror, as Severus made a wild slashing movement.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout. I couldn't though.

James fell, with a shout to the floor. I saw the blood, and the cuts that had appeared. They didn't look like normal cuts. Nothing like what Severus had said. What had he said? Scratches...just scratches. These looked deep, there was too much blood. It was already pooling even as I stood in complete shock.

I turned to see Severus pale, and suddenly he was running. I wanted to call him back, but something about seeing James like that stopped me.

Severus was gone.

"Someone get Madame Pomfrey!" Sirius shouted.

But I walked closer, pulling my wand out. "J-James," I whispered dropping to my knees.

Remus looked terrified, and ran to his friend's side. "Tergeo," his voice shook and he tried over and over again. It only cleaned up some of the blood. The blood only came faster and darker, pooling across his black robes staining them only darker.

He would bleed to death.

Sirius ran for Madame Pomfrey.

"I don't know any spells like this," Remus hissed in anger. Peter was shaking.

I trembled. "I do. I know only one."

Remus sat down next to me, and started to mutter incantations while pointing his wand at James.

"Essance of Dittany," I said looking up. "Peter go to Slughorn or Madame Pomfrey and ask for Essance of Dittany, and be fast."

He scurried off.

Remus gave me an odd look. "You know what curse hit him?"

"I do, but I don't remember what he said the counter curse was! I never meant to hurt James, he said it was just small cuts, not deep gashes. I didn't think he would try to kill James. It will make him bleed to death, he's already unconscious." I looked down at the puddle of blood. "I didn't even know it would hit his skin. I just thought he would rip James's bag or something...not this."

"McGonagall!" I turned to see Remus's call was pointless. She looked stunned.

" What happened to him?" she gasped as she tried to bind his arm which looked worse than anything else.

I bit my lip. "Someone cursed him!"

She levitated him, and we all sprinted to the Hospital Wing.

"You have to listen to us, why would we lie about this?" Sirius was shouting.

"You have to help him," Peter was yelling.

"He's here, " McGonagall announced, carrying James in.

Madame Pomfrey looked over from the three's argument.

"Oh my! What happened?" she cried as she ran forward.

I ran over, pulling out two bottles. One with Essance of Dittany the other with White Dittany.

Madame Pomfrey took his shirt off, and began to dab the Dittanies on his wounds.

I chewed my lip. What had Severus said? _Vulnera Sanentur._

"Move, I know how to help him," I snapped pushing Sirius out of the way.

I pulled out my wand, trembling and hoping I was right. "Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur," I repeated over and over, hoping it would help.

The first time, the bleeding stopped, the second time the wounds began to repair, and the third they closed and most of the wounds disappeared.

I turned to Sirius, Remus, McGonagall, Peter and Madame Pomfrey. "I think he'll be okay..."

* * *

><p>Then I ran, in tears all the way back to Gryffindor Tower, without even stopping, and shoving multiple people down.<p>

I didn't even tell Isabella though she asked many times.

I heard a knock at the dormitory. Isabella answered it.

"Lily? It's Remus, can he come in?" Isabella asked.

I nodded. I had cried some, but now I was just sad.

"Lily? How did you know the counter curse? I know you didn't curse James," Remus said.

"I had planned to get back at James, for the Howler. And it was an invented spell, and the inventor didn't know what it did. They had tried it and it didn't almost kill someone. He told me the counter curse just in case..." I whispered.

" Who was helping you?" he asked.

I looked up, meeting his blue eyes. But I refused to say, even though I knew I should.

He sighed. "But that's a dangerous spell."

" I know that now. I don't think they knew at the time. They didn't intend to kill him, and he didn't die," I whispered to my hands.

"Lily, I think I know who it was. It was him wasn't it?" Remus asked.

I hesitated. "Yes, it was him."

"I won't tell James, because James would never forgive him, so for his sake rather than yours I will not tell."

"Thanks Remus," I said giving a small smile. "Will he be alright?"

"Yeah, Madame Pomfrey says he should be fine," Remus replied.

"I'm sorry. I didn't ever think that he would get seriously hurt. I didn't know what that spell would do." I looked away.

"I know, but I have to tell him what I know. That you helped, but that you were also in on it. He might be mad at you," Remus warned.

I nodded. "I think I'll be fine," I lied.

* * *

><p>At once I ran to the where I knew Snape would be...Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.<p>

This was our place where we would talk for hours sometimes.

I walked in and sure enough he was talking with Myrtle.

"Hello Myrtle," I said smiling.

"Hello Lily," Severus greeted, looking almost happy.

"Sev, why did you do that. He almost died! You're lucky I remembered the counter curse, he could have bled to death. Why would you do it?" I asked furiously.

"Why do you care? You wanted me to do the spell!" he said getting up.

"I care because I wanted him to stop asking me out! Not, not-almost kill him. I don't care if I hate his guts! I never asked for you to kill him," I shouted.

"I didn't know what it would do. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to suffer, because maybe then he would feel how much I suffer. But it didn't even come close," Severus replied.

I stared at him. What? "What do you mean Sev?" I asked.

He closed his eyes. "You don't see it Lily. I love you, and it hurts me to see you with other boys. Even Lupin. I know you don't like Lupin, but when I see you with other boys it makes me remember that you'll never be mine. That I'm just your friend."

That hurt. It cut deep. I couldn't even imagine how much it must hurt. "I'm sorry. I never knew. You told me you loved me, but I didn't think you meant..." I trailed off.

"Sometimes it hurts so much I wish I was dead. You know just as much as I do that the Dark Lord is rising to power. He's killing so many people," Severus said.

"I know, but that doesn't mean anything," I replied.

He stared into my eyes. "Yes it does Lily. Join me. I'm a half-blood, purer blood than yours but I'm still not safe. If you join him he will protect you. You won't be killed. Your family will be safe, please Lily," he whispered.

I shook my head. "I can't Sev. I just can't. Join him? Don't, please. I can't lose you," I pleaded.

"Then tell me you love me and I will stay," he said.

I bit my lip. What now?

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

I walked into the Hospital Wing.

Sirius and Peter were already there.

"James, Lily helped you, she knew the counter curse," I said and Sirius looked up.

Peter was asleep.

"Doesn't that mean she was in on it?" Sirius asked. Usually he wasn't smart, but right now was not a good time for his brain to start working.

"Yes, she was but it was an invented spell. Whoever used it, it was nonverbal, so I don't know the spell. Lily did, but she refused to say. She did heal you though, she used the counter curse. She never meant it to work like that. She didn't want to hurt you," I said slowly.

James looked down. His eyes avoided anyone.

But he looked up and met my eyes. I could read his eyes, just like Sirius and Peter. It was all of us being such good friends. Betrayal.

"I'm done," he said.

We looked at him in confusion.

"I'm done chasing Lily Evans."


	8. Love and Hate

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Eight: Love and Hate**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just using J.K. Rowling's characters.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

James had stopped.

He didn't watch me during class, he didn't even turn up for Transfiguration.

He didn't ask to carry my books, so they felt heavier than usual.

He didn't hex the boys who asked me out. So I was almost bombarded every time I set foot out of the Gyriffindor Tower.

He didn't ask me out anymore.

He didn't even turn my way.

In all honesty, it kinda worried me. I had never seen him act like this. He was usually so cheery.

Now, he would smile, or laugh loudly. He even learned how to make his eyes look like he really was happy.

But I saw right through it. I could see through the barriers he put up. I could see how he was trying to hide himself away in his studies.

I wanted to say something, do something, anything. But I couldn't.

Maybe I did lie to Isabella and say I had work, when really it was so I wouldn't see Potter, drunk because of his friends. Because of his pain.

But he healed. He moved on.

He dated a girl, her name was Jenny. She had strawberry red hair, with green-hazel eyes.**  
><strong>

Jenny was pretty, I suppose.

* * *

><p>I sat in the Three Broomsticks and sipping a foaming butterbeer when Jenny and James walked in. I sighed and looked at my butterbeer, seriously considering drowning myself in it.<p>

"Firewhiskey? You can't have that," James said.

I looked up. James was objecting to her breaking the rules? That had to be a first.

I watched as he left to go get drinks butterbeer hopefully.

She turned and looked at a boy named-well I'm not sure. And I think it was Regulus.

She stopped talking to him right before James came back.

I watched them. I picked up my knife from my piece of cake. With it I started to stab the table. The waitress, Madame Alisa made a move to stop me. I flashed her one of my fiercest of the Potter Glare Collection and she backed off. I turned away, back to Jenny and James, all the while making a hole in the table.

I watched as she flirted with him, and Regulus was watching, envy in his eyes. I took my flagon and threw it, letting the glass crash to the floor.

I didn't care, getting up, I placed a couple sickles on the counter. Then I pointed my wand at the broken glass, and spilled drink and thought _Reparo _and _Scourgify._

It cleaned up and fixed itself. I walked toward them.

James seemed to take an unnatural interest in the floor at once. Jenny stood there.

I glared at her furiously. "James I really wouldn't bother with her."

I was walking toward the dress store when suddenly James stopped me, gripping my wrist lightly.

" Why not?" he asked. I could see his breath on the frosty air.

"She's just..not good for you. I have to worry about the ball," I said pulling free and leaving.

"Right the ball."

* * *

><p>Isabella said she was going with some Hufflepuff.<p>

I was being half forced to go with Amos Diggory. He had blonde-brown hair and was very nice. He was a bit hesitant to take me. Most boys were scared to ask me out, for fear that James would murder them. Certainly if looks could kill, they would all be dead.

He had on the usual, black dress robes, with a white shirt.

I closed my eyes and turned away as Severus walked up from the dungeons.

He walked over, and somewhat politely stole me from Amos.

"Why would say you loved me, and then go to the dance with someone else?" he asked.

I looked down.

_"Then tell me you love me and I will stay," he whispered._

_I bit my lip. He looked expectantly at me. I knew that this one second's decision could change everything._

_"I love you." As my best friend._

"Because I don't love you, not like that."

"I expected that much," he said reluctantly. "But you have to promise me one dance."

"Alright, one dance now shoo, here comes trouble," I hissed.

I whirled around and walked back to Amos. Who promptly hid behind me.

"Hide me he's coming!"

I turned to see the Marauders, only Sirius with a date coming down the stairs and groaned. Not again.

I sighed. I knew Potter too well. He had plenty of good hexes and curses up his sleeve, and with the rest of the Marauders, he was basically a danger to anyone. I turned to see Amos vanishing within the huge crowd of other dancers. I stood my ground. Even though I didn't really blame Amos at all. When Potter was mad, you ran, and you ran and avoided him at all costs for as long as possible. Usually, when he wore that stony look I knew that meant nothing good.

All of the Marauders were pure danger.

Well not Peter, I added as he tripped over his dress robes and tumbled past me.

I turned back to the matter at hand. They were good at curses, and had good aim. No doubt they knew advanced magic. Probably better than me at some stuff. Not that I would ever admit it. No, you would have to force Veritaserum down my throat before I ever said that.

I sighed. Now I was dateless all thanks to James Potter. I scowled.

Then I marched up to him, too bad my hair was twisted up into an elegant bun, otherwise I would have looked like the devil's daughter.

I saw Remus say something to James and Sirius and then Sirius and his date vanished. Next Remus practically hauled Peter off. James was alone.

I crossed my arms. "Okay Potter. Let's get this straight, it's none of your business who I date. Or who I snog. So don't you chase off every date that I get."

He gave me a bored look. "I didn't scare him off. He ran when I came down the stairs."

"Well can you at least try not to look so furious at my dates?" I snapped.

"Sorry, I forgot that you're the one who promptly ripped my heart out, as well as a few pints of my blood," he retorted.

"I didn't cast that spell and you know it," I replied.

"Well you knew the counter curse," he argued.

I sighed. At this rate I would never get to dance. "You're lucky I even saved your life," I hissed angrily.

"I never asked for your help, Evans," he answered coldly.

"Fine," I replied just as icily, turning around and storming off toward where Snape was, leaning against a pillar and watching.

" You promised me a dance," someone whispered.

I didn't even turn. Instead I let him wrap his arms around me. " I did."


	9. You know what with You know who

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Nine: You-know-what with You-know-who**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I was scared.

James Potter, he was looking like he did before he punched Daniel. Oh look, I got his name right for once. Oh wait what was his last name?

I probably should have smacked him, but I really couldn't physically hit him. I'm a Prefect by the way...

Yeah, Remus is the other Prefect. He doesn't always keep his friends in line. But I can't deny that it is really hard to keep them in check. Plus, even though he is the best behaving of all of them, he's still a Marauder. That means, he still causes trouble, even if it is on a lower level than his best friends.

I glared at him, "What are you doing?"

"Exposing us," he said, as though it was an obvious thing.

I pushed him away, " I'll see you later." Then I marched away toward where Remus was.

"Remus, see you tonight at nine," I said grabbing a roll and then running toward Mytrle's bathroom.

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

"Why does she talk to you? And why is she going to see you at nine?" James asked.

I rolled my eyes. " Because I'm the more level-headed one. And we have Patrols tonight."

" But she almost seems to like you," James accused.

I snorted. " Yeah right. Nah, she doesn't. She's supposedly with Severus."

"I hate him," Sirius said.

"Yeah I know. You all hate him. But he's a better person around her."

"Moony, don't ruin it. He is still thinking of joining the dark side," James hissed.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

It was O.W.L.s and I felt like I was shut off. Severus and I barely got to see each other anymore. In fact, I think I fell out of love so long ago. He never realized, and I had stopped hoping that our friendship was real.

I never told him that I had fallen out of this.

I tried to be the girl he wanted, but it didn't do anything. I had loved him because I didn't want him to join.

But slowly, I was realizing that he was changing right before me. I had seen him hanging with those boys, Malfoy, Mulciber, Crabbe, Goyle and Flint.

I cried, but I never told him.

I never told him that I didn't feel anything in our relationship. Because I think he loved me. But if our relationship ended, so did our friendship.

We were practicing one last potion before our O.W.L.s tomorrow.

James walked past and tugged on my hair. I couldn't take it. No more. He said he was over me, but here he was teasing me again.

I couldn't take it. Severus was slowly drifting away, nothing I could do would change that. And then here was Potter acting like it was a joke, as usual. I felt something in me just snap.

"Go bother someone else, Potter," I spat angrily.

I saw it, hurt in his eyes.

"Sorry," he apologized though I could see that odd look cross his face again.

* * *

><p><em>I was looking for Severus. I wanted to tell him that I was done. That it was over. I couldn't be around him anymore.<em>

_Then I saw him, the victim of the Marauders once again. I ran across from the side of the lake I was on._

_"Leave him ALONE!"_

_James and Sirius turned around. I saw James's hand jump to his hair as usual. I glared, furious._

_"All right, Evans?" he asked. I glared at him even more furiously. Picking one of my favorites from my Potter Glare Collection._

_"Leave him alone," I said again. "What's he done to you?" Here I was defending him again._

_"Well," James said in mock thought, "...it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..."_

_I looked around as the surrounding people laughed. I felt a twinge of guilt, I had caused this again. If I had never even been Sev, then James wouldn't be jealous._

_Sirius and Peter laughed too. I saw that Remus was looking at his book, but glanced up once._

_"You think you're funny," I snapped. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."_

_"I will if you go out with me, Evans," he replied. "Go on...Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."_

_I chewed my lip, thinking up a good comeback. I noticed Severus was being freed of the curse. I only had to buy him a bit more time._

_"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," I snarled coldly._

_"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said. "OY!" he yelped as Snape turned his wand on James._

_I heard him mutter something. A curse._

_It grazed his cheek and a gash appeared, and blood flecked his robes. Potter whirled around, his wand drawn and with a flash of light Severus was upside down._

_People cheered. I was furious now._

_How dare he! Why didn't Lupin do anything. I turned and glared at him._

_"Let him down!" I ordered._

_"Certainly," James said flashing his grin, and jerking his wand upward. Severus fell down, and got up wand raised._

_Sirius turned his wand on Severus now. "Petrificus Totalus!" Snape fell over, like a board humiliation burning in his eyes._

_I pulled my wand out, glaring angrily at both boys. How dare they! "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"_

_"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James warned._

_"Take the curse off then," I demanded._

_James hesitated, then sighed and turned to Snape, and muttered, "Finite."_

_"There you go. You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-" James began to taunt._

_"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" I stepped back, stunned. But I wouldn't let it show._

_"Fine, I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus." I glared at him coldly, clearly saying I was done._

_"Apologize to Evans," James shouted, turning his wand on him yet again._

_I was done with it though. I couldn't take another word of it._

_" I don't want you to make him apologize." I snapped, he meant it. " You're as bad as he is..."_

_" What? I'd NEVER call you a- you-know-what!" **  
><strong>_

_I thought for a second. " Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can-I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK!" I screamed, trying to avoid the truth. The tears that threatened to fall. All because Severus had just called me a..._

_I turned away. I walked away._

_"Evans!" he shouted after me. "Hey, EVANS!"_

_I ignored him and tried not to cry. Because it was over. I turned back once, only to see Severus again upside down. But this time I didn't help him. I couldn't._

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

I watched Lily walk away.

I sighed.

"James, stop."

Snape looked astounded, if not more than Sirius and James did.

James let Snape down, threw his wand to him and Snape bolted.

"Why did you do that?" James asked.

"Yeah, why did you stop us?" Sirius demanded. I knew that James only stopped because I told him. I also knew that Sirius only stopped because James did, those two had an unbreakable bond. Sirius didn't do anything without James.

"Because, James. You know just as well as I do, that you just ruined Lily, and Severus."

James looked at me like I was crazy. "I told you I'm over her. It wasn't like she would have said yes anyway."

"James, who are you trying to convince. Me? Or yourself?" I asked.

"No one, I told you. I don't like her," he snapped defensively.

I rolled my eyes. "I know just as well as you do that, that is a lie. You like her. You have since you asked her out for the first time. You never stopped liking her. You have always believed that she's the one for you, but don't take it out on Snape. He might not be the nicest person or anything. But that gives you no reason to hate him."

Peter blinked, trying to process everything I had just said.

Sirius looked shocked. "He's a Death Eater?"

"Yeah, don't you know that. Surely you know that Bellatrix and her sister are. Why wouldn't Snape join?" I pointed out.

"But...how do you know all this?" James asked finally getting his voice back.

I sighed heavily. "I have a brilliant mind and I pay attention."

"Anyone else?" Peter asked.

I hesitated, pondering and wracking at my brain. "Well yeah...aren't the Blacks known Death Eaters?"

Peter and James whipped about, looking at Sirius.

" Padfoot?" James asked.

I shook my head. " Well don't you know. Regulus..."

That was the first time I ever saw a flicker of fear in Sirius's eyes.

I tilted my head to the side. "You know don't, you Padfoot? You just never told us..."

"Why wouldn't you?" Peter asked.

I smacked him. "Gee Peter I wonder. How would he look if he went around saying his brother is a Death Eater? Not very good. It would be as though he was advertising that he is too. Usually when one person is, their whole family or some of their family is."

Sirius looked solemn for a moment. "My baby brother is a Death Eater," he said, his voice calm and even though is eyes betrayed what he was thinking.

James didn't look like he knew what to do. He could handle a sobbing girl, and Peter could probably too. But no one had ever had to help Sirius. I exchanged an uncertain glance with James.

"You okay?" James finally asked.

Sirius nodded, looking toward the Slytherins, where they were talking with Snape. He pushed past them and kept walking.

"I'm going to go see Lily," I said getting up and brushing off grass.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I was sitting on a bench when Severus came running.

"Is it over?" he asked.

I looked up at him. "You've already joined," I said pulling up his left sleeve. He made no move to stop me.

I stared at the skull with snake branded into his skin. I looked into his eyes. I saw the fear that I felt, reflecting in his black eyes.

"I do love you. But I can't love you enough to stop you, you'll be forced to choose between me and Death Eaters, looks like you've already made your choice."

He shook his head. "I still love you. I always will."

I smiled sadly and pulled away. "I'm sorry Sev, I won't make you choose, I'll just leave."

I then got up. "Don't follow, it will just make it harder," I whispered.

Then I walked away, and as soon as I was out of sight, I leaned against the wall.

"Lily?" it was Remus. I sighed.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that they would do that," he apologized.

He's a Prefect, it dawned on me. I whirled on him.

"Why didn't you stop them? Why did you just let them hurt him? Did you want him to call me a Mudblood?" I asked.

"No. I didn't know. I have terrible control over my friends. I didn't want them to hurt him, but I didn't tell them not to. I couldn't stop them," he replied.

I rolled my eyes. "You made them stop after I left."

"I did. Only because I realized it was only because James was jealous," he defended.

I rolled my eyes again. " Remus you're quicker than that. I know it too. You realized as soon as the fight started, but you didn't stop it."

"Fine, but I didn't know what he would call you."

"Alright, I'll see you at Rounds, I need to go talk to Black," I replied walking away.

"He's in the kitchens," Remus called after me.

I turned. "Then I'll go find Potter."

"He's probably there too."

"Whatever," I muttered and kept walking.

I ran to the kitchens, knocking on the painting.

"What?" a boy snapped, then his gray eyes widened when he realized it was me.

"Erm, Prongs, mate someone is here for you," Sirius called.

Next moment James's head popped out. "Who is it- because if it is Amelia," he broke off staring.

"Oh, you," he said like I was some annoying bug.

"Yes it is me. And I have something to ask you. What curse did Snape use on you?" I asked.

"I don't know, why?" he asked looking confused. He was kinda cute...wait. No. I do not like Potter. Remember I do not. He just asked me out.

I hate James Potter. How dare he. **  
><strong>

"Did you hear it?" I asked, rounding on Sirius.

He blinked, eating more pastry.

Annoyed, I yanked the pastry out of his hands and threw it at the wall. " Did you?"

"I think it was like Sectrasempta...erm something like that," he mumbled.

"Alright, excuse me I need to talk to Remus," I said whipping around and storming down the hall toward where I had been talking with Remus. I turned and nearly collided with him.

"Sorry."

" I hate him," I snapped, leaving Remus to his confusion.


	10. Promise Me

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Ten: Promise Me**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

He was in trouble.

I went back to the Fat Lady, thinking that maybe it was just a nightmare.

Maybe I could just sleep it off.

I was shaken awake by Mary, my dorm mate.

"What?" I asked groggily. She herself looked half asleep.

"It's Snape, he's been asking for you all night. Now, he's threatening to sleep at the Portrait Hole if you don't come down," Mary said.

I sighed, getting up.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"I'm not interested."_

_"I'm sorry!"_

_"Save your breath," I snapped coldly, crossing my arms._

_Then I sighed. "I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."_

_"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-" he began._

_"Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious Death Eater friends-you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" I glared at him._

_He looked like he would protest, but then closed his mouth._

_It stung, it burned, but still I had hung on. But now I was going to let go. "I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."_

_"No-listen, I didn't mean-"_

_"- to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" I asked._

"It's different because I love you."

I stopped. I turned back. After everything? He still loved me?

"Still?" I asked.

He nodded. "Always."

"How long?" I asked.

He smiled slightly. " Always and forever."

"Why did you use Sectumsempra again?" I asked.

He sighed. "They were jinxing me."

"So? I forbid you to ever use that spell again." I drew my wand.

"What if it is for good?" he asked.

I blinked. " Good?"

"Yes, for good. What if it was for good?" he said.

I pondered. "Not for anything Sev, please don't."

He sighed, rolling his eyes. "I promise Lily Evans...Potter."

I whipped around, eyes widened in surprise. "W-what?"

"Lily, I can see it. I'm surprised you haven't realized it yet."

"Realize what? I don't like James," I said stowing my wand away.

"Sure Lily. Keep saying that, but I think that's a lie. You love him, and just to let you know, I'm going to let you go. Because you deserve better than me. I'm a Death Eater, and you'll be safer with him," he said smiling now, sadly.

"I'm sorry. Goodbye Sev," I said. Then I leaned in, whispering in his ear.

He pulled back smiling. I whispered again and then pushed him away, then turning and leaving.

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

I waited, watching as she walked back in. She jumped slightly.

"Hey Remus," she said.

"So are you still Severus's friend?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No."

I rolled my eyes. "I would think a brilliant girl like you could lie better."

"I'm not his friend!" she protested.

I nodded, disbelievingly. I walked over, taking her left wrist and pulling up her sleeve, I holding her wrist up.

"Then why do you keep this?" I asked pointing to the charm bracelet.

She gulped. "Fine, but you can't tell. We are best friends, we made that vow when we were seven. We said that we would be best friends, forever no matter what. We gave each other these charm bracelets. His is black, with green. Mine is red and green, and as long as we keep them, we are friends. But we made a vow, so always we will be friends. He wears his, and he actually has it on his ankle I think. Boys aren't supposed to wear jewelry or something."

I nodded. "I knew."

She gaped, "How?"

I smirked. "I knew you had to have gotten that charm bracelet for something important. Then when we were dangling Severus upside down I noticed his too. I just put the pieces together. "

She nodded. "Promise you won't tell?"

I smiled, "Would I ever?"

"You better not Remus Lupin," she threatened playfully, drawing her wand.

I just laughed. "Don't make me hex you Lily Evans," I said whipping out my wand as well.

"Go to sleep, Lils."


	11. Arrested in Moonlight

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Eleven: Arrested in Moonlight**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

We were sneaking out. I watched as Moony disappeared into the tunnel. I motioned to Sirius and Peter.

"Go," Sirius hissed. Peter jumped, turning into a rat and scrambling toward the tree, and dodging a flailing limb, he pressed the knot.

I turned to Sirius and nodded. He nodded back.

I set the cloak down at the tunnel, on a shelf. Then I jumped, Sirius beside me, and transformed. I loved to change. It felt so...natural. It was like second nature, sometimes I missed being a stag.

I turned to Padfoot, who barked. I cantered after him, stopping at the entrance, hearing the cries and snarls of the werewolf. I blinked, turning to see Wormtail perched on Sirius's shoulder.

Padfoot didn't seem to take kindly to this, he snarled, and when Peter didn't move, he snapped.

Wormtail leapt down and scurried to my side, I reluctantly allowed him to scramble up onto my back. I head-butted Sirius, urging him to go forward first to see if Moony was done transforming. He turned and nodded, his gray eyes excited.

I shook, making Peter squeal and jump down. I stood still as possible, ears pricked toward the entrance, waiting for Remus.

The werewolf appeared down the tunnel, golden eyes looking around warily. I stepped forward, lowering my broad antlers in threat. The werewolf snarled angrily, swiping at the air with sharp claws. I faked a charge, but the message was clear: No. Sirius whined and trotted up to sniff noses with the wolf. Peter gave a few squeaks of protest. Finally I turned and approached the tunnel.

Moony followed, with Padfoot right at his heels, and Peter probably on Padfoot's shoulder. Sirius bounded out, running around eagerly, tail wagging while watching the werewolf. I turned toward the Forbidden Forest, jerking my head toward it to get the dog's attention.

He ran forward, looking eager. I bounded forward first, pausing right in the trees. The werewolf watched with its yellow eyes. Snarling, it charged, racing past me. I chased after it, racing through the trees, I heard Sirius's bark behind me.

Peter raced up taking refuge on my antlers, which made me slightly off balance. Sirius stood, ears pricked and watched as the werewolf seemed to notice us following it. It didn't seem to like it.

Snarling and snapping it lunged. I lowered my antlers before realizing Wormtail was still clinging to them. Padfoot growled, hackles raised and showing his fangs.

I doubted that Sirius would want to bite anyone. He was still human, and probably didn't like the taste of blood, even as a dog. The werewolf circled, sizing us up, then leaping at Padfoot. Padfoot leapt forward too, growling and snapping. I launched myself forward, pushing Moony back...that was the wrong thing to do. Furious he pounced on Padfoot, and the two fought furiously.

I ran up, trying to fake charge, because I couldn't risk clashing antlers with Padfoot. The two ignored me. The werewolf reared, sinking its teeth deep into the dog's shoulder and giving a powerful shake of his head.

Padfoot let out a yelp, and tried to run, to pull his shoulder free from the wolf's jaws. I intercepted before the werewolf could charge again. I reared, shaking my antlers and flailing my forelegs. The werewolf stepped back, blood staining its teeth as it growled low.

It tried to race in and get Padfoot, but I turned and faced my antlers every time he tried. Padfoot was up, shoulder bleeding, but growling. Finally he gave up, and started to trot deeper into the forest. I nudged Padfoot.

He snapped at me as I nudged his wound. I heard Moony howling, and hoped that there were no other werewolves for miles. The wolf raced onward, running through the darkening forest, deeper than we'd ever gone before.

We ran further into the forest until I slowed, was that a spider? Padfoot bared his teeth. Peter trembled, at the size of a rat, he was the perfect size for a large spider to have a meal. I heard a shriek, and it was not from the black dog next to me.

I turned to Padfoot and we exchanged a glance. I jumped forward, and changed back, Padfoot at my side. I picked Peter off my shoulder and held him instead.

"Padfoot, was that a spider?" I asked drawing my wand.

Sirius shrugged. "I think so, and Moony has sharp teeth," he said rubbing his shoulder where Moony had bitten him.

"Did you at least get a good bite back?" I asked, putting my wand away.

"Yeah, trust me, you never want to bite a werewolf," he said spitting on the ground.

The werewolf sprinted toward us, a bite on his leg. Something hairy, and with many legs, leapt at Moony, and the werewolf let out a scream, fighting back. Sirius transformed and lunged, ripping a leg off the spider, and looking like he didn't know what to do with it.

Acting fast I plunged my hand into my robes, seizing my wand and throwing Peter down.

"Depulso!" I shouted, before hastily changing and leaping into the fray.

I managed to free the werewolf and dog from the spider. The werewolf turned, eyes blue and it blinked.

Sirius turned and saw its eyes too. Remus's eyes. Not the werewolf's, but then he blinked and they were their normal yellow. Moony didn't strike this time, instead he tolerated the three animals who were following him.

I butted him, helping herd him back. All three of us had collapsed near three, and the werewolf lay down, watching us. We slept for a time, Padfoot keeping watch then we had to herd him back so he could change again.

I turned away as he changed, I had nearly been driven up the wall the first time, his screams of pain were enough to drive any best friend insane. I knew Padfoot felt the same, even if he didn't say it.

I approached, and nudged him with my black nose. He looked tired as always and finally got up, waiting for the nurse to take him back to the hospital.

The three of us retreated, knowing the nurse would have a screaming fit if she saw us.

"I still don't see how you got such a bad bite on your shoulder," Madame Pomfrey said dabbing Dittany on Sirius's bite.

He sent a glowering look toward Remus. "It was a dog."

"Alright, James what do you need now?" she asked in exasperation.

"I got bitten by a spider," I half lied, pulling up my right sleeve where the spider had bitten me.

"A spider you say? Are you quite sure?" she asked.I nodded.

"But how on earth...?"

"Nevermind that now. It hurts," I told her hastily so she would continue to heal it.


	12. Patronuses, Animagus and Ancromantula

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Twelve: Patronuses, Animagus and Ancromantula**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I decided to visit Remus.

Which I would probably regret, because no doubt the Marauders were probably there too.

I walked in, and sure enough..there they were, with Remus eating a bagel.

"Hey Remus," I greeted, holding his Charms book.

"Here. We have a 11" long essay for Charms, on the Banishing charm and Color changing charm, then we had entire parchment essay on Animagus and Werewolves," I said handing him his books.

He smiled. "Good, thanks Lily." I cast a summoning charm, having forgotten something.

"And I gave James your schedule for this month," I said.

James and Sirius looked on without asking. Then I noticed Sirius seemed to keep rubbing his shoulder.

"Sirius what did you do to your shoulder?" I asked.

Nothing," he snapped, trying hide his shoulder.

But I walked forward, pulling his robes back, showing a bite mark, which was luckily only oozing blood. I turned away, I hated blood. Then I turned back.

"Where did you get that?" I asked.

"Dog bite," he replied, not looking at me.

I narrowed my eyes. "Tergeo," I said pointing my wand at the wound. I knew how to do this. "Ferula."

I watched as bandages spun and bound his injury. "Is that better?"

Sirius nodded, I turned back toward James and Remus.

Then I spotted something, "Duck!" I cried.

James turned, and I pushed him down, and he slammed into Remus's bedside table, and the force of James made it overturn. I winced. _Oops?_

I stood up and caught the bars of Honeydukes chocolate. "Sorry James, here Remus," I said handing him the chocolate, and then helping James up.

"Sorry, are you alright?" I asked pulling him up.

"Well that hurt," he commented, rubbing his arm.

"Sorry. I didn't want you to get hit by the chocolate, I summoned it."

"Oh but it's perfectly okay to shove me into a table?" he asked rubbing his head.

I cringed. "Sorry," I apologized, setting the table back up. "You should be fine James, it didn't do any lasting harm."

"You also hit my arm," he hissed, gripping his right arm. Madame Pomfrey despite her efforts, the bite still showed and she couldn't heal it until she knew what type of spider had bitten him. Closing it up might trap the venom in him, and she didn't know what kind of venom it was. If it was harmless she could just close it up. James couldn't say or it would give them away.

Confused, I grabbed his wrist and pulled up his sleeve, to reveal a spider bite. I gave it a closer look.

With a gasp I let go of his arm. "Is that-ancromantula venom? How did you get bitten by an ancromantula?" I asked recognizing the honey colored substance, which we sometimes used in potions.

He pulled his arm back, hazel eyes shadowed with fear.

Something clicked. "You were in the Forbidden Forest," I hissed. "There was a werewolf there last night," I added with an apologetic glance toward Remus.

"Trust me, we weren't in any danger," he replied in a low voice.

"What does this venom do?" he asked.

I paused, biting my lip. "It's made to kill. How do you feel right now?"

" I feel fine," he replied.

I looked back down at the wound, I took his hand, and prodded it with my wand tip. "Can you feel that?" I asked sharply.

"No, why?" he asked.

I sighed. "It's spreading. I can't take it out either, it is known to spread fast."

"Madame Pomfrey!" I called, and she came bustling out.

I gave a half glance toward James. "You have to extract the venom from his arm and then White Dittany should prevent any inflaming. You should probably give him some of this," I pointed to a red bottle sitting in her glass cabinet. "I'm not sure if it can cause internal bleeding. And then some of this," I gestured to a bottle of whitish clear liquid, "So he won't suffer from whatever the venom does to your nerves. You should probably keep the wound open, even after you extract venom you want to make sure so you don't seal any inside."

I released his hand and taking the two bottles I set it on a new bedside table. James obediently lay down, though he was scowling.

Remus looked pale, and scared. "When was he bitten?" he whispered to Sirius as Pomfrey began to administer the red potion.

"Probably around midnight, give or take a few hours why?" Sirius asked.

Remus looked even more scared. "Ancromantula venom can kill Sirius," Remus hissed softly, not wanting to alarm James, or let him find out.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "But I got bitten by-" he broke off. Remus shook his head.

"It's different, animals aren't affected," he hissed. But when an animal like a spider bites another animal, they are still affected."

"You mean like how a dog can get torn up by a werewolf, but if they _switch _then the person is still hurt but they can't be affected by the bites. They just look like normal bites?" Sirius whispered.

I blinked in confusion. **  
><strong>

Noting my confusion Remus explained. "He's talking about animagus."

"Oh. I wish I were animagus. I'm thinking about being one when I come of age. I already know my animal. I'd have to be a doe," I said.

Peter turned, and all three stared at me. Mouths open, and I'm pretty sure Sirius's hit the floor.

"What?" I asked.

"It's just, why a doe?" Remus asked.

I sighed. "I can produce a patronus, my patronus is a doe, so I'd become a doe," I replied.

Remus seemed like the only one who even comprehended that.

"Do you know what a werewolf would be?" Remus asked.

I though hard. " Yeah. Usually they are wolves. They can do animagus transformations, but if they are werewolves usually they are wolf. If they are animagus like a doe, and then are bitten by a werewolf, they can keep their animagus as a doe. But then their patronus might change. I'm not sure. But Remus I'm pretty sure yours would be a wolf, and then your patronus can be anything...werewolves are different. You might be able to change your patronus."


	13. Faith

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Thirteen: Faith**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

I whipped around, when I heard a shout.

James had been standing up so that he could take the second potion when suddenly he went limp, slumping to the ground and lay on the floor turning deadly pale. If that wasn't enough he started screaming, a pained, anguished scream that rose and then fell.

Sirius and Lily went to their knees, trying to help James, Lily was shaking him, calling his name. Next to her, Sirius was trying to sit his friend up.

I tried to leap up and help them, but I was still weak and my legs gave out, and suddenly my own vision spun and went black.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

"Remus!" I shouted, running to catch him before he hit his head on the floor.

Sirius turned around, and I saw for the first time; fear that actually burned in his gray eyes. And I understood. This was his family, this was who he was.

I heard James give another cry, this one shook me to my core. I motioned to Sirius, and together we put Remus back into his bed. I heard a girly scream, and Sirius turned to me, but I shook my head, and turned around.

"Madame Pomfrey! Do something!" I shouted.

She stood, where she had been measuring a dose of the white liquid, her eyes wide with shock. At my voice, she snapped out of it and started to levitate James back.

I ran over to where she kept the potions. I looked through the shelves of blue, looking for the clear, bright shining blue potion. I found it and grabbed it, uncorking it I grabbed her spoon.

Pouring out the thick mixture I went over to Remus first, handing Sirius the spoon. "Make him take it."

I took another spoon, measuring out a rounded spoonful, I went over to James, and looked to see if Sirius was able to make Remus take his medicine.

I rolled my eyes, he was watching to see if I knew. I opened James's mouth, and force fed him the potion. I looked to see if Sirius had gotten it.

He looked confused, trying to get the spoon in Remus's mouth.

I sighed, and laughed.

"You do it!" he whined.

I did the same to Remus as I had to James.

Then I bit my lip. "Sirius do you know if-if ancromantula venom reacts badly with-unicorn horn and gillyweed?" I asked tentatively.

He shrugged, " Lily, you're the potions master!"

I chewed my lip. " Madame Pomfrey would have done the same. Given them a health strengthening potion. But- I think venom goes badly with gillyweed. Unicorn horn and gillyweed, well the gillywater in it erm calms the poisonous effects of unicorn and hellbore. I think if the venom mixes with the hellbore and unicorn, James could die faster than if he was just bitten with ancromantula venom."

" WHAT?" Sirius shouted.

I turned away, not wanting to face him. " I can mix an antidote," I replied finally, conjuring up my cauldron and potions ingredients.

I sat down, calmly setting the cauldron up.

I pulled out parchment, writing down _unicorn and hellbore? _Then I wrote down the other ingredients in a Health Potion.

I studied it for a while, and then started to examine my potions book.

I looked up to see Sirius watching me, not speaking or talking at all. Peter had fallen silent after his screaming.

Stewed Mandrake, that would help to revive them.

Mint Sprigs, that would probably add a touch of flavor, and it would also help with the mixed syrup of hellbore and unicorn horn.

I picked up a bottle of Honeywater and began to unscrew it.

"Wait! What is that?" Sirius asked gesturing to the honeywater.

"Honeywater, when mixed with Stewed Mandrake, it should help cure James."

I poured in some honeywater. Then I began to stir it, adding some chopped shrivelfig.

"It's shrivelfig," I answered before Sirius could ask.

I added the mint sprigs, and some ginger root.

"Almost done," I said.

"Can you get me some of the extracted venom?" I asked.

Peter jumped up to get it.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "What do you need it for? A test?"

I shook my head. "No." I didn't say what it was for.

Sirius relaxed, that is until I added it to the potion.

"You can't give James that!" he said.

I rolled my eyes. "And why can't I?"

" You just put that venom in it!" he said pointing to the potion that I was now pouring into a cup.

I sighed. "I had to. It will reverse the effects of the shivelfig and ginger root. If I didn't add it, then James could also get worse. It doesn't kill to drink the venom in a potion. Ancromantula venom is actually used to help people with illnesses Sirius, just trust me," I said walking over to where James was and pulling out a spoon.

Sirius grabbed his wand, holding it threateningly at me.

"If you give him one drop of that concoction I will curse you," he said.

Peter stood up too, holding out his wand.

I held my ground. "If I don't give it to him he will die."

"I will curse you if you give him that," Sirius repeated.

I walked over, tilting James's head back and pouring it down his throat.

I turned to face the last two Marauders. "Go ahead, curse me. Do what you want. I won't do anything to stop you, but I just saved his life," I said, grabbing my potions bag, and conjuring the rest of my stuff to levitate after me. I saw a blazing white flash hit the railing, and it exploded. I turned to see Sirius, wand drawn.

"I saved his life!" I shouted at him angrily.

He looked fully ready to curse me to death. "Why should't I?"

"Because you aren't Regulus. You aren't Snape. You aren't like Mulcibier, Dovloh, Bellatrix, Lucius, you aren't like any of them Sirius. You have an honest heart, not like them. I just saved your family, your true family. I don't believe that family has to be blood, it can be what you make it. I know that you aren't them. I have never heard you call anyone a Mudblood, I haven't even heard you pride yourself in being a Pureblood. So don't change now," I said, turning and walking away.


	14. Trusting Heart

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Fourteen: Trusting Heart**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

Sirius chased me.

I kept walking. Maybe if I ignore him he will leave me alone.

"Lily if you kill him I'll come after you!" Sirius shouted.

I sighed, whirling to face him. "Lucky you, Sirius. I didn't kill him. I just saved his life. If he dies, I'll join him." I clapped a hand over my mouth, not quiet sure if I had really just said that.

Sirius seemed to not notice my mistake. "You better hope that he doesn't die. If he does, I'll be the one to throw you off the Astronomy Tower," he replied turning back to the Hospital Wing.

Then I ran, toward the Gryffindor Tower where Isabella would most likely be. I told her everything that had happened, about the venom, the antidote, about Sirius and even Remus.

"Just admit it Lily, you've fallen for James Potter."

I sighed. "Maybe I did. But still. I shouldn't feel like this! I don't know why I like him. I mean he's James Potter!" I said throwing my hands up, and narrowly missing her nail polish bottle.

" Okay, so are you sure you like him?" she asked, moving her nail polish out of the way.

" No..that's why I'm so confused. I mean I think I do like him. I'm pretty sure I do. But I'm not sure. I mean, he's nice...it's just...he's James Potter."

" Is that all that's bothering you are you scared?"

I nodded. "But I'm not sure why."

"If you dare say it's because he's James Potter-" she threatened.

"It's not. I don't trust my heart, last time I did, my heart got broken."

She looked thoughtful. "You need to stop thinking about what you're going to do, and just trust your heart. It knows best."

So all I have to do is stop thinking about this love stuff, and let my heart have a free rein.

Well that's not going to be easy. I have had my walls up so long, I'm scared to put them down.

I can do this.

I will, because now I know I love James Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

"Prongs, mate, you have to get over her. Date someone else, learn to let go of her," Sirius advised.

I groaned, closing my eyes in annoyance. " I can't."

"You have to. I think if this keeps up, next year it's really gonna start to hurt you. You can't let her rule your emotions," Sirius replied.

"She doesn't."

"Yes she does. If she rejects you, you're sad. When she smiles, that makes your whole day. She rules your emotions, almost your life," Sirius said.

I rolled my eyes. "I thought Moony was the observant one."

"You are suffering, I know you are. You loved her, and now you need to get over her," Sirius said, ignoring my comment.

I sighed. I knew he was right. But it was hard, after six years of chasing after Lily, it was hard to admit I needed to stop. But it was like asking me to stop loving Quidditch. It wasn't going to happen. Even when I was playing Quidditch with my friends, I was still going to love her. Even if I said I didn't.

Sirius had me meet his friend, who was a girl, but not his girlfriend. She had light blonde hair, and green eyes. But it wasn't the same. She was funny, sweet and always perky and pretty. She was enough to fill the darkness inside of me.

Then there was a raid..and my parents went. Even though they were supposed to stay low, being pureblood and top aurors, the Dark Lord would wand nothing more to kill them.

My father was hit during a duel and killed instantly, but my mother was hit with a different curse. It was one of the slow working curses. It would eventually kill her, and yet she seemed unconcerned.

I cried...I cried because I was fighting a losing battle. I was trying to love someone who didn't love me. I was trying to love someone that I didn't. I was trying to move on, and I was trying to save my mother. But she said it was her time.

Sirius cried too, but he never spoke of it. We didn't talk about their deaths. We talked to my mother, and I was shutting myself away. Moony visited, my mother loved him. Moony didn't cry. He was the steadfast, strong one.

Sirius tried to pull me out of my depression, but I didn't want to be taken back to the real world.

The one where I would have to fight. The one where I would have to fight to even breathe.

It hurt to breathe, it hurt to do anything. It just hurt. I couldn't lose my mother, but I knew she was slipping away.

We buried her next to my father, and I shot golden and green sparks into the night sky.

I could tell Moony was sad too, now I had the mansion to myself. But this isn't what I wanted.

My parents. They're gone. They can't come back.

But there's one thing my mother left me.

_" James, I want you to take this," she whispered, pulling off her wedding band._

_I bit my lip, not wanting to cry in front of her. "I can't take it."_

_"James, listen to me. I want you to find a girl, a girl who can make you happy. One who will love you forever, and then I want you to give her this," she said, holding it out._

_I held out my shaking hand, and she gave me her ring. "It's been in the Potter family forever. I trust your wisdom, make your choice carefully. My son."_

_The words tore at my heart, ripped into my soul. "Thank you," I whispered, not daring to speak any louder._

_" Smile for me James, just once more," she pleaded._

_I tired, but I found I couldn't._

_"Please," she begged._

_"How can I smile?" I asked._

_She looked at me for a long time with her brown eyes. "Think of something happy." The answer was so simple, so purely innocent. But I didn't even know how to do that. _

_"Happy?" I whispered. I closed my eyes, thinking. Lily's smile. _

_I opened my eyes, and managed a smile. She smiled back, her eyes closing._

_" I love you mum," I said, one last time._

_She smiled, " I love you my son. Sirius was the second son I never had. I love him too. Goodbye James."_

_I bowed my head, clutching the ring and I cried._

_That's where Sirius found me, and he crumpled next to me, crying. _

I didn't care about pranking, I didn't think I would ever laugh again. I couldn't even smile.

Sirius was just as bad, I had managed to keep him from drinking, but Moony and all of us were sad. Moony didn't smile anymore either.

His transformations got worse, he seemed to go back to how he was before we were animagus. He would snarl, snap at us, and every night we were torn apart, trying to keep him in check.

His eyes never flashed blue in recognition, not once the entire time. Now his eyes glowed a vicious yellow. He had let the wolf take over his body, and he didn't seem to fight it anymore.

I got my Hogwarts letter. That was the closest to happiness. It wasn't happiness, but it wasn't sorrow for once. It was relief, because I still got to seek refuge from this place. This house, of memories, which each one got more painful.

I was Head Boy.

I didn't feel any joy, not even a leap of happiness. Nothing.

Would it always be like this?

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

This summer Isabella was going to stay over, because her parents went to Sweden, for a vacation.

It was filled with confusion and pain.

M parents were killed, Lord Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he hates muggles. I'm muggle-born so I'm lucky that I wasn't there, I might have been killed.

But my parents.

They are gone.

Dead. Killed by a murderer.

I cried, and when we buried them, I cried.

I'm tired of crying. I don't want to hide anymore.

I remember my mother's words.

_" My dream, is that you will find a nice, kind boy who will love you forever. I want him to protect my daughter. I hope that when you find him, you will love him with all your heart."_

I will. I promise mother.

If not for me, for you. I'll make sure your dream comes true and your daughter will find someone.

I fingered my mother's ring. I now wore it, it was a wedding band. But a simple one, so instead I wore it as a promise ring. A promise that I would find someone who loved me.

Isabella tried to help, she wanted to see me smile again.

I wanted this sorrow to end, I wanted to be me again.

But every time I tried to find myself, I just felt myself losing myself even more.

Sometimes, it hurt. It hurt so mentally and emotional, I could feel the ache in my flesh, and it hurt physically. It was like an ache, but one you couldn't get rid of. And all over, I would ache, but I felt so confused, I didn't know why I ached so.

I was confused too.

I heard that James's parents died too. But they were Aurors, and died fighting.

His father died instantly, but his mother was hit with a curse, so strong that it killed her slowly.

I was suddenly crying, tears streaming down, and yet...I found I didn't know why I was crying.

I wasn't crying for Isabella.

I wasn't crying for me.

Then I looked into my soul and found who I was crying for.

I was crying for James.

But it wasn't right, it was angering and saddening at the same time.

I was angry because I didn't know why I was crying, but I was sad because of his parents. I felt torn. Somehow, without really knowing it, I knew why I was crying for him.

But I didn't love him did I?

Can I still love after all this pain?

And I found...that even when you think your soul is torn, and broken beyond repair, you can still find love.

But would he love me back? I knew that after his parents death, he might have changed.

He might have gotten over me.

I might have missed my chance...my last chance at love.

I looked down at my Hogwarts Head Girl badge.

This year would be different.

I knew it.


	15. Breaking Down Barriers

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Fifteen: Breaking Down Barriers**

****Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

I don't know who the Head Girl is. I really don't care. I just want to get the stupid meeting over, so I can move on, and try to breathe without it hurting so much. Now I can only find comfort in Moony and Padfoot.

They are healing, and well I'm still busy putting up barriers.

I'm watching my barriers. I don't want them to come crashing down.

I walked in and stopped dead, my eyes wide and jaw dropped.

And all at once, I felt my barriers, all those hours they took to build, so I could forget Lily, they came crashing down. I found, she was with Isabella who was going out with Remus, she was talking to Lily, and Lily had managed a small smile.

When she saw me, her eyes widened and she turned to Isabella, whispering to her, looking scared.

Isabella hissed something at her, and Lily turned to see me.

"Hi James," she greeted.

"Hello Lily," I replied. "What do you want to talk about in the meeting?" I asked. "Patrols?"

She looked stunned for a second. "I think we should ask the Prefects about what they think we could do to help out the younger Years. And I don't just mean by keeping them to the rules."

Remus walked in first, giving a slight smile toward me. Then tilted his head toward me, giving me a meaningful look.

I mouthed, 'I'm fine.' He raised his eyebrow, but said nothing.

'What' I asked.

He got up, and came over, and told me, "You aren't fine. I can tell. James, you can do what you want. But sometimes there comes a time to let her go. You can't hold onto someone..."

He stepped back, observing the effect of his words. He turned to Lily, and he looked stunned for a moment. But he flashed me a reassuring look and went to sit down.

* * *

><p>-l-Remus-l-<p>

I was stunned.

Lily wasn't glaring at James, instead there was something like concern in her glance. She looked at him for a long time, until he turned around and looked at her, then she looked away. There was something different in the way she looked at him, the way her gaze almost softened for a moment before she looked away.

Did she like him?

I certainly had never seen her look at James like that. But there was no doubt what that look had meant. Isabella said that Lily might be falling for James, but I hadn't believed her. Not until now.

We went on with our meeting, but I barely heard anything.

I only was watching Lily's reactions to what James was saying...

Was that admiration? Did she know his parents were killed? She looked over at me a couple times, and I didn't shift my gaze, instead I tried to read her.

She smiled. "Dismissed."

Isabella got up, and I told her I would be there in a minute.

"Okay Remus, why were you staring at me the whole meeting? I know for a fact you don't like me like that." She crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows at me.

"Oh. Sorry, I was trying to read you," I apologized.

"What did you read?" she asked, uncrossing her arms.

James was watching from behind her.

I walked over and whispered in her ear, so James wouldn't hear. "You've fallen for James."

She gasped, pulling away. "No I didn't."

I had to whisper again. "I know it Lily. Don't doubt my skills. I can read you, even if your signals aren't the same as James or Sirius. I can still tell."

* * *

><p><strong><strong>-l-Lily-l-

I never doubted Remus's abilities. I just...didn't think that he would pick up that fast.

To be truthful, as soon as James stepped in, all those promises I had made to myself, they broke. And all my walls came crashing down, all my walls I had built to protect my heart.

In truth, my heart was already his. He just didn't know it.

My concentration had been weak, and I had barely been able to keep up with what he was saying.

I turned back, to get my bag, and there was James, holding it out.

I smiled. "Thanks."

" What did Remus say to you?" he asked, following me out, and for once it didn't bother me.

"He's just being the emotion-reader he is," I replied.

He smirked, the first smirk I had seen. "It's annoying sometimes but you get used to it."

I blinked, startled. Even though James had changed, I didn't think he would change that much. I would have thought that he would ask me out.

But he didn't. Instead he was having a civil conversation with me.

"It's weird isn't it?" he asked.

"What is?" I asked.

"You aren't yelling at me. Usually you would have hexed me by now," he replied.

"Well, this summer I changed," I replied.

" I did too," he said almost too quietly for me to hear.

"James, I know you're parents died," I said, turning to face him.

He almost slammed into me. His eyes were wide, startled and I could see the hurt in them. " You wouldn't understand."

I looked at him for a long moment. " My parents died too, don't tell me I don't get it."

"I'm sorry," he replied.

"Don't be, not many people know," I said.

"Does it hurt?"

I closed my eyes. " Yes."

"Sometimes, I feel like no one understands me, and it's like...I've set up barriers and I can't get past them to my true feelings."

I nodded. Understanding. Sometimes I felt like that too. I haven't smiled in a long time..."

"You know, you're probably still the prettiest girl in Seventh Year," he said.

I didn't speak for a moment. "You said that last year."

"I know, I just think you've gotten prettier."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Anytime," he replied and I kept walking.

I stepped into the Maruaders compartment. That's a really weird sentence...usually I would be saying, I tried to stay as far away as possible.

I'm sure Remus is going to force me to sit next to James, probably in an attempt to get me to admit my feelings. Well it's not going to work. Let me tell you that right now. My heart might have stopped when he walked in, but there is no way I'm going to say anything in front of the Marauders.

* * *

><p>I gazed out the window and then a thought hit me.<p>

I felt my eyes prickle with unshed tears, and I willed myself not to cry.

My parents would never see Hogwarts, not even the inside. Or the outside. To any muggle it didn't look like a castle, it probably looked like ruins. But even so, if you dragged a muggle inside then they would be able to see Hogwarts. At least the inside. But they never will, because they're dead...and gone.

I felt a tear roll down, and closed my eyes, praying for no more tears.

Isabella turned to me, "Lily are you okay?"

I opened my eyes, glancing at her, and giving her a mournful look that said clearly no, I was not okay.

"Lily what's wrong?" Remus asked.

I bit my lip, and glanced over at James, who met my eyes...He lowered his gaze, which said he didn't want to know...but at the same time he already knew.

"Is it your parents?" Sirius asked, looking concerned.

"Sirius!" I heard Isabella snap.

James seemed to be thinking the same thing as me, because he too stared out the window.

I heard a knock, and I lifted my head, Peter answered it.

" Erm I'm not sure if this is the right time," Peter replied. "Besides what are you doing here Snivellus?" I could tell he was trying to be fierce, but I could hear the concern in his voice.

"Lily? I'm sorry, I didn't know," it was Snape.

I looked up. "Go away," I whispered, turning my head back toward James, who looked just as hurt as I was.

He reached out and grabbed my arm. "Lily I didn't know!"

I got up, and turned, grabbing my book and threw it at him.

"Get out! I can't stand you! You aren't sorry! You don't know anything!" I shouted, despite the tears spilling down. "Stay away from me!"

He looked shocked, and not just because my book hit him. "You would rather be with Potter?" he sneered.

"Yes! Because you don't love me! You say you'll always love me! But that's a lie! And I don't love you! Join the Dark Side for all I care. But your Lord Voldemore is just a murderer," I shouted.

Now not just tears of pain were flowing down my cheeks, along with them came tears of anger.

"He is not."

"He killed them Snape! He murdered my parents!" I shrieked, picking up my potions book.

"I'm not like that!" he pleaded as a way of explanation.

I knelt and picked up another book. For a second time I threw a book, and he didn't duck fast enough. "I hate you! Get out!" I shouted shoving him, hard. He took a step backwards.

He picked up the potions book. "No, not until you listen to me."

I stood shaking for an instant. "Do you think I care what you have to say?!" I pulled my wand out, pointing it at him.

He eyed it warily. "Please, just let me explain."

I watched him for a moment, "Depulso!" I yelled. Snape was sent back so hard, that he crashed into the compartment across from us, and I heard the sound of shattering glass.

But all my anger was gone, and now I collapsed, crying again. Not just because of my parents death though...also because I had just hurt my best friend.

I held out my wrist, studying the bracelet. I looked at the green beads...thinking of when Severus had made this for me.

I looked at it for a long moment. "Take it off," I said, holding out my wrist to James.

He looked at it for a moment, and then took my wrist, and began to untie it.

I turned my head slightly, knowing Remus was watching.

He looked stunned. He tilted his head questioningly. I only nodded. I turned back to James's hands, working to undo the knot.

He lifted his head, now holding the bracelet. I took it, and put it in my bag, and Remus was still watching.

I curled against the window, wishing that Severus had never walked in. He had a way of ruining everything for me...

* * *

><p>I awoke to James gently shaking me.<p>

"Lily, wake up, we're almost there," he said.

I blinked, and almost screamed.

I sighed, getting up. Isabella took my hand, and led me into another compartment where we would change.

"I saw you with James," she teased.

I glared at her. "It was nothing."

"That, Lily Evans was anything but nothing."


	16. Protecting Hearts

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Sixteen: Protecting Hearts**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Warning, super short and most of it's kinda depressing.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

" ames," Remus hissed.

I turned to look at him.

"What?" I asked.

" Tell her," he said, nodding toward where Lily had left.

"No," I snapped. "I can't."

"Why not?" Sirius asked.

I rolled my eyes, of course Sirius had to burst into the conversation.

"I just can't," I replied.

"Is Prongs scared to tell a girl he loves her?" Sirius teased.

Remus luckily smacked him in the middle of the sentence, so no one heard what Sirius was probably bursting to say.

Peter looked confused.

"What?" he asked.

No one bothered to answer him.

"No, I'm not scared...I'm trying to not get myself hurt," I replied reasonably.

"So you're scared," Sirius said, looking slightly annoyed.

"No, I'm not. I-you wouldn't understand," I replied, walking away.

* * *

><p>I walked up to the Astronomy Tower nearly in a daze. It was quiet, and the darkening sky told me that twilight had started to fall on the castle.<p>

Should I have told Sirius? I mean, as thick as he is sometimes, he's my best friend. I tell him everything. I shook my head, rolling my eyes. I loved him like a brother, but he didn't understand.

Sirius couldn't understand. He didn't know how it felt to have your heart broken. I had told Lily Evans that I loved her, more than I could probably count the stars.

I looked up, I could probably name a reason I loved Lily, for every star. And I would eventually run out of stars...but that was a lot of reasons.

In truth I was almost scared. I knew I loved her, and just as much, if not more than when I told her the other times.

But those times I had been able to pick myself up, and move on and then gather my courage up.

So why was this time different? Why was I so scared?

This time we're friends. And I am really scared that if I tell her I love her, that it will ruin our friendship and make her hate me. And to me, friendship is worth more than the slim chance that she loves me back.

Two, she's hated me for six years. So why would she not hate me this year? Because I'm Head Boy? Heck she'll hate that I didn't ask for it, or work hard for it like she did...and yet I got it. She would probably hate me for that. And she always screams at me how much she hates me, so why would she not hate me?

Three, she's Lily Evans. She's bloody brilliant at potions, she's impossible to beat in Defense Against the Dark Arts, she's incredible at Charms. She isn't so strong in Transfiguration. But she passes Astronomy, Divination, Muggle Studies, Arithmacy and Care of Magical Creatures with flying colors.

I don't think you can pass all those in Seventh Year, but I'm talking about the whole seven years I've known her.

She's got gorgeous red hair, and emerald eyes. She is pretty without makeup, she could probably still be the prettiest girl in a t-shirt and jeans.

She's very talented. I peered over, gazing at the Quidditch field.

I thought of my parents. I sighed, looking down. I wanted this pain to end. The pain of constantly knowing I would never see them again. Knowing that they would never take me to King's Cross again. Knowing they weren't there to protect them anymore. Knowing that I wasn't strong enough to protect them from the darkness. Knowing that I could stop it...that if I had been there, it might have been different.

It was bad enough that they were both gone. I whistled, calling softly into the twilight.

There was a flutter of wings, and I saw my owl, land lightly on the bars of the tower.

I pulled out my mother's ring.

Setting it down carefully, I pulled out parchment and began to write.

_To the Marauders,_

_I'm done. I'm going to take my life into my own hands. I'm sorry, You three are the best friends anyone could ask for._

_I would trust you three with my life._

_It's just unfortunate that, my life is nearly over._

_I can't live without her though, and she will never love me._

_I'm sorry._

_James_

I rolled it up carefully and placed it inside of the ring, setting it on the ledge. My owl watched, clicking her beak and pacing closer when she spotted the ring.

I knew Remus would already probably know before I even sent the letter.

I rolled it up, and put it through the ring, giving it to Jet, who spread her white wings and took off.

I looked over the the edge.

Can I really do this?

Why would I jump?

Then I thought of Lily...

I looked down, it looked painful. Maybe it will be instant.

I heard shouts.

"He's not at the dormitory where do you think he is?"

Maybe even painless...

"He wouldn't jump, he wouldn't."

Could they handle it? Would Sirius be able to handle not knowing? Never knowing why I did it?

"How would you know? He loves her Sirius!"

I did.

"Not enough to kill himself!"

I turned back once, to hear their pounding footsteps.

"Why not just use the Marauder Map?"

"We can't!"

I turned back to the tower.

I looked down. It looked like it might hurt. No. Even this pain will be nothing to what I feel right now.

"James!" someone was shouting for me, but they couldn't see me yet.

In that moment I hesitated, knowing I had a split second to decide. Fear, love and hate boiled up inside of me. I had to decide no matter what.

I turned to the tower and without even thinking I pulled myself over the railed, hesitated to feel the wind rushing past me and then I jumped and fell at least a hundred feet toward the ground.


	17. Bleeding Fire

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Seventeen: Bleeding Fire**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

Umm so some people got a bit mad.

Anonymous: Umm luckily you won't have to murder me in my sleep, James isn't necessarily dead. He just jumped.

Wereowl: I already explained it to you, so I know you're okay.

ItsCanonNow: I updated as fast as I could.

siriuslyweasley: You didn't freak out, so I don't have to say much except thanks for reviewing.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

I watched as James left.

Remus turned to me. "Do you know why he left?"

I shook my head.

"Lily, he loves you. He's loved you all this time. Even when he didn't know he did, he loved you. I know you love him, you have to tell him."

"I can't Remus!" I protested.

" Why not?" Remus asked though I could tell he was exercising a lot of patience.

I hesitated and bit my lip. "I love him, and that's why I can't tell him. I'm scared, I've always been afraid that he'll just break my heart. I'm nothing! I'm just Lily Evans, no one special. I'm not like James. He's one of the best looking guys in school. I'm pretty, but I'm not what he needs. He deserves more."

"Is that really what you think?" Remus raised his eyebrows and tilted his head slightly.

"No, yes. I don't know. I feel like if I try to love him, he'll burn me, and yet I'll hang on like last time. I refused to see that he wasn't in love with me. And that's why it hurt so much. Because I didn't expect him to tear my heart out. And then James was still there, trying to tell me he loved me. And I ignored him...because I didn't love him, and because I didn't think he loved me."

Remus looked at the spot James had been. "I think he's scared to tell you."

"Why would he be afraid to tell me? He's told me so many times why would this time be different? What makes this time any different than all those other times?" I asked.

"Well. I can't tell you that," Remus replied.

I rolled my eyes and gave him a glare. Why not?"

"Because to know that you have to ask him yourself," he told me.

I sighed and glared furiously at him. "Where is he?"

"I dunno do I. He probably went to the...Astronomy Tower?" Remus slowly connected the pieces.

"To do what? Think?" I asked.

Remus shrugged. "He could have gone to the Quidditch Pitch, he'll be back soon, I'll tell you when we find him."

"Thanks Remus," I said hugging him, and then making my way to the Heads Dorms where I planned to work on the Prefect schedules.

* * *

><p>I was writing out all the days, and now was just beginning to write out names for the Patrols, and times when there was a knock.<p>

I didn't bother looking up. Another pounding on the door.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. There was no way James had already forgotten the password.

"It's rose petals," I said.

Another fury of urgent knocks. I got up, grumbling because my leg had cramped, and stormed over to the door.

"What the heck Ja-oh hey Remus," I said.

"Erm, do you know where James is?" Sirius asked from behind Remus. "By any chance?" he added nervously.

"No, I thought you guys were looking for him," I replied, turning to look behind me at the empty common room.

So he hasn't come by yet?" Remus asked anxiously.

I shook my head.

"Come on Lily, we are hunting for James," Sirius said stepping from behind Remus and dragging me out.

"How would I know where he went? Where have you already checked?" I asked as Sirius dragged me down the corridor, with Remus leading the way.

"We checked Hogsmeade, the Quidditch Pitch, Hagrid's, Our Dorm, now your Dorm and no one has seen him," Sirius said, continuing to pull me down the hall.

"Well Remus, why didn't you guys check the Astronomy Tower yet? You said that's the direction he went," I pointed out.

Remus gasped, and Sirius dropped my hand, and I stumbled.

"What if he-"

"He wouldn't-"

"If he was desperate-"

"No, why would he-"

"I don't know-"

"You think he would-"

"What if he did-"

"It might be too late-"

I looked at them in confusion.

" What?" I asked as their broken sentences made no sense. They both looked at me as though they had forgotten I was there. Remus looked at me with worry, fear and sadness. Sirius looked furious but underlying that was the same rising panic that I could see in Remus's eyes.

"What if he jumped?" Remus asked.

We all ran, toward the Astronomy Tower as fast as we could. Sirius, with his longer legs and athletic build was quick to outdistance me and Remus.

"What if he's not there?" Remus asked through a couple of breaths.

We could only hope he wasn't. If he wasn't that meant less chance of him killing himself.

"He's not at the dormitory where do you think he is?" Sirius shouted back at us.

I flinched, I wouldn't be surprised if I had broken my eardrums.

"He wouldn't jump, he wouldn't," Remus insisted. I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince us or himself.

"Why not use the Marauder Map?" Sirius shouted. "You know, just in case."

"We can't!" Remus yelled gesturing to his empty pockets. "No time."

"James!" Sirius bellowed, and I could see the fear in both Marauders as we approached further.

We ran faster, and I ran to the bars first, looking over, my red hair billowing in the wind. I let my tears flow, letting the wind whip them away. I wasn't thinking, I only knew I was sitting on the rail, staring down in horror.

Suddenly Remus and Sirius pulled me back over it. I looked at them in confusion.

"We won't let you jump."

I blinked. Had I really been about to jump?

"We have to tell someone," I said, and then I realized Sirius wasn't there. I didn't remember making it to the ground again, I didn't remember dropping to my knees beside James. I barely remembered trying to wake him up.

I turned at the clattering sound of claws on stone. I dog ran up, it was pure black, with silvery eyes.

"Where did that dog come from?" I asked, pointing to it.

"Oh, he's erm mine," Remus replied.

"I didn't know you had a dog," I said, suspicion prickled, but even stronger was the want to get James to safety. " I thought you couldn't have dogs on-"

Remus nodded vigorously, cutting me off quickly.

I was halfway through the hall when I heard a terrible shriek.

"Hurry up," I urged them on faster.

He nodded. Suddenly they both whipped around and we were back to walking as fast as we could without killing James.

Remus had stumbled in an attempt to stop, which he sorta succeeded, well...he did stop.

Sirius who apparently didn't have as quick of reflexes, or maybe they were dulled by panic, crashed straight into McGonagall and Madame Promfrey.

I was sitting in my dorm, waiting for him to come back from the Hospital.

He had been in for a week, and yesterday Remus said he would get out today.

I heard the shutting of the portrait hole. Good, I walked down the stairs, and there was James, with Remus, Sirius and Peter.

I walked over, and he smiled meekly. I walked up, the only thing I could feel was the rage, hate, pain, I looked him in the fact for a full ten seconds, and then I slapped him as hard as I could.

He looked stunned.

I pushed him, fury now pulsing through my veins.

* * *

><p>"How dare you! You threw yourself off the Astronomy Tower! Did you even care? Did you even think about how I felt?" I shrieked, advancing on him further.<p>

" You come back here after you've been in the hospital wing for a week! You're so stupid! I thought you had more sense! Where's my wand? Give it to me!" Lily shouted, and whirled on Remus, shaking with anger.

"Lily calm-"

Lily let out a snarl of anger. "Don't you tell me what to do REMUS LUPIN Give it to me Remus Lupin!"

Remus's eyes widened. He had never seen Lily lose control like this. Sure, she would shout at James, but never like this. And sure, she hexed James, but never with true fury.

She grabbed her wand, but seemed to forget it because she struck James again, hard, if not with more anger than before.

"I hate you! I hate that you don't understand! Why?" she shouted.

James looked stock still. Afraid to move. "You wouldn't understand."

" Merlin! Don't you tell me it's nothing! Don't tell me I wouldn't understand! Don't you lie to me James Potter! I'm not stupid! I am not the one who threw themselves off the Astronomy Tower!" Lily snapped, green eyes flashing.

" You wouldn't understand Lily! You'll never understand! My life isn't easy like you think it is! I don't just chase after you because it's a game! My life is complicated! I have changed! I'm not like I used to be! It's none of your business anyway what I do!" James yelled back.

This only fueled Lily's anger further. She pulled out a ring, and a letter, that James recognized as his note before he jumped. "Like heck it isn't my business! This is what I get! A sorry letter! You said sorry because I'll never love you? This is what I get and then you chuck yourself off the tower?"

"I had to! Why should I spend my time chasing a girl who doesn't even love me back? My parents are dead, there's nothing else to live for," James snapped.

"Because you never asked me how I felt! You never tried to see if I did love you! So instead you tried to kill yourself! Keep your sorry letter! Keep your apologies! I don't care anymore. You can do what you want...if you really think that, go ahead. Next time I won't try to save you," Lily replied, turning on her heel and going back to her dorm, trying to hide her tears.

It was pure silent. And not the good kind, it was awkward...which was uncommon for the Marauders.

Sirius and Remus exchanged a glance.

" I'm going to go..." James muttered, turning and walking toward the portrait hole.

" Where are you going?" Sirius asked, turning to follow James.

" I don't know, somewhere where I can forget," James replied coldly.

* * *

><p>-l-James-l-<p>

It hurt, the sting of her smacks, and her words hurt just as much.

I knew that Lily was right though...it was her business, and she probably deserved to know why I had jumped.

I could hear Sirius and Remus following me, I was heading somewhere...I didn't know where.

I walked until I found a empty classroom.

They walked in, and I slammed the door as hard as I could.

I turned to them, and pulled out my wand.

"Curse me," I said.

I really don't know why I wanted them to, I just wanted to see if they would.

"James, we're not going to curse you. You're our friend it's in the pact, we can't," Remus said.

"Darn it! Curse me anyway," I shouted, turning to hit the wall. This was not a smart idea, and only resulted in adding to my pain, but this time just to my hand.

"Prongs, don't do this," Sirius said, with a hint of plead in his voice.

"James I know how you feel," Remus said finally.

"NO you don't! How would you know?" I snarled, not turning around. Resting my head on the wall, thinking a bit about banging my head on the wall.

" I can read you. I know you still love her," Remus replied.

"Then how am I feeling? I don't know how I feel," I asked.

"James, you love her. Right now you're deciding between hate and love. You hate yourself for falling for her, and for snapping at her. But I know you still love her, it's your decision, and that's why you're confused. Because you aren't supposed to fight yourself. But I think it would be better if you loved her," Remus explained.

"How would that be better?"I asked. " That would just hurt me more."

Because she's right. You never asked her how she felt," Remus said.

* * *

><p>Bleeding Fire: Okay so it kinda is a mix. It is about Lily 'bleeding' or really hurting because she loves James, and because it hurt when he jumped. But the 'bleeding' also has to do with James's pain because he thinks Lily doesn't love him. Then the 'fire' is about how much it 'burns' because Lily loves James, and sometimes it hurts her so much it 'burns' but she still holds on. Then the 'fire' for James, is like a small fire inside that is growing or building because the 'fire' represents his love for Lily.<p> 


	18. One Last Time

**Even When You Didn't**

**Chapter Eighteen: One Last Time**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I'm just using J.K. Rowling's characters.

* * *

><p>-l-Lily-l-<p>

"Lily?"

I turned to look at James over my textbook. "Yeah?" I turned the page and continued writing my essay.

"I have to ask you something..." James looked down at me and then turned to look at the book before he continued to stare.

"Ask away," I paused with my quill raised to continue writing. I scratched a few more words and then set it down, laying the quill carefully across my ink bottle.

"I want to know what you think. Of me." James looked nervous, his eyes flickering to me only to look away.

"I think I love you," I answered after a long moment of silence.

"I've always loved you, Lils. Even when you didn't love me, I loved you with everything I am."

I smiled slightly. "I know."

"So I have one last question for you, Lily Evans."

"Only one?" I asked skeptically, raising my eyebrows.

"For one last time...Will you go out with me?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>Complete! I tried to keep it short at the end.<p> 


End file.
